She Died....and I'm so hurt

Hi Everyone

At around 3 am this morning a lady who was like a 2nd mother to me died in her sleep.

She was the most real, down to earth woman I've ever known and I am not taking this very well at all.

I was very excited to come on here and tell you guys about all the happenings and funny moments of this week then at 6:10 pm I get the phone call that took all of that away.

RIP Hazel Jackson

I know she doesnt want anyone to cry for her but I cant help it. I just cant....

I can do it. Part 1

I dont know.

Lately I have been feeling confused, lost and sad because I have been focusing on the nagatives in my life.

A absent relationship with my mother

Lack of enough money to do everything that I want to do.Its been depressing to say the least. I have felt uptight, sad, depressed and ready to just give up. I'm tired of talking and saying the same old same old all the time. I think my friends and bf have given the same advise over and over as well.

It has to start with me inside. Its challenging because change is scary but it has to be done. I'm not the first or the last woman to have a mother who is not supportive at all. I'm also not the first or last person to have a mother who acts like she could give a shit either way. So today is the say that I stop appeasing her. To hell with what she likes or doesnt like. At the end of the day this is my life and I'm going to live it the way I want to. Strong words but I'm ready; its time I've just been standing by knowing I need to make the jump to change but trying to calculate how to do it. Some things cant be calculated; they just have to be done.

I want to be happy. I know I can be happy but I'm dragging my feet. I think too much and this is one of those things. Its not complicated but all this analyzing and overthinking is giving me a whole bunch of scenarios that dont need to be introduced. This makes my fears come out and influence the scenarios that are being created.

I have quite a few insecurities and I have come to the conclusion that I just cant have these anymore. I'm ready to let them go; like getting rid of excess baggage to lighten the load.

I also need to stop being a people pleaser. I want to please everyone and maintain harmony so that there arent any waves. When I do this I take alot of crap from people that I dont need to take. What I'm trying to say is I am ready to:

1. Love myself unconditionally and this means even my imperfections because as Alafia says: I am perfectly imperfect.

2. Finding my happiness no matter where it might be everyday.

-I want to do this even when it seems like the shit has hit the fan and is sliding down the wall.

- Just saying I am going to be happy no matter what will get me in the mindset to seek and find happiness in every scenario so I can maintain it in my everyday life.

3. Be my own bestfriend and support system.

-My boyfriend is amazing and he is an extremely strong support system for me at every turn but he is only human just like me and he has his bad days just like everyone else. I too need to be able to hold myself up and stand strong so I dont crumble at the first sign of trouble. I know deep down inside I am MUCH stronger then that. I need to start being strong inside too and hold myself up too when the scenarios arise when he isnt around. I can do it.

4. Stop being a people pleaser and start doing things to please myself AND be guilt free about it!

I have grown up to learn that taking shit is better then standing up and letting that person know they cant walk all over you. Reason being that it doesnt create waves and karma will deal with them eventually for the offense. Though Karma is great and seeking revenge it doesnt mean people are allowed to walk all over me. I've decided to stand up for myself and let those who offend me know that its not ok and not feel guilty or fear that they might not want to talk to me ever again or things might get weird. If it does get weird then they were not meant to be my friend or associate and have done me a favor by showing me why they need to be cut off.

I'll share more tommarow. I'm off to bed. Goodnight

A Bad day to a GREAT DAY!

Hey all. So I havent posted in a few days just because I was busy and frustrated and plain tired! Sorry about that! I just coudlnt wait till today because I took it off and was looking forward to relaxing!!

I woke up today at around 8 am and decided that I wasnt staying home I would go and shop for myself. So I ate, took a shower and left with my mother. We went to the mall and I bought a few things that I needed like shirts and blouses and make up!!! Check my other blog for what Igot at MAC but let me tell you that was one of the HIGHLIGHTS of my shopping experience today!

Anyhow, we went to the beauty supply store becuase I was thinking to change my hairstyle and was watching youtube and saw some vlogs on synthetic lacefronts and thought they look so nice that I wanted to check them out for myself. So I bought one and I will share that on my make up blog too so if your interested please head on over there and I will tell you ALL ABOUT IT!!

I get home with all intentions to go to the gym but end out going downtown with my friend to shop (she shopped I browsed it worked out well). So we (her friend came too) end up meeting her friend to go get fish and chips at a small restaurant on Queen St called Chippy's. Now, I dont like fish but I decided to eat there anyway because I was starving and it was almost 8pm. So I bought prawns and chips and ate that-not bad. But then again everything tastes great when your hungry so I think I'd have to try it again when I am not so....umm lets say STARVING!! LOL

Now for my adventures Downtown!!

B and I (her friend) had to pee real bad so we found a Hero Burger restaurant and followed the signs to go to the washroom. Problem is the washroom was down a long hallway, two flights of scary stairs and into a basement where the male and femal washrooms were distinguished by painted on signs around a corner. SCARY SHIT!! he and I made sure we checked down there throuroughly before we peed. I'm talking about checking each stall. It was a place that a scary movie about how burgers were made from people would be made.

Then the stench of pee, BO and alcohol would enter our nostrils every 5 minutes. Then all the girls heading to the club in dresses that clearly didnt match their body types. I nearly got a boob in the eye because a girl tried to cut between my friends and I and she was waring sky high heels. LOL I think the guys were jealous that I nearly got a faceful of boobies just like that and they didnt...LOL HAHAHA

ALl in all it was a fun night of us 3 talking and laughing all the way down the street and back! I think today was a GREAT DAY!!!!!!!

What a bad day!!!!!!!!

UGH! Let me tell you! Today was such a bad day!!! SUCH A BAD DAY!!
Its end of month so alot of cheques had to be receipted, invoices paid, cash depsoited in the bank etc, etc, ect. Just madness! My day starts off with a circk in my neck, then I get into it with my bf in the car. Not a yellign macth but I walked away with feeling hurt and sad. I get to work and I have a MILLION things to do. My supervisor who isnt training me or the new guy properly is frustated, piles on work and doesnt give clear instructions which causes me MORE work ontop of what I already had. Like I didnt have enough to do already.

I end up crying at lunch in the car (thank God for tinted windows plus I felt like I was about to burst) with my bf (he didnt cry-he held my hand and tried to make me feel better). On top of that he had a bad day. It was just a bad day for everyone. I dont know about the other departments but I could feel the tension in mine-that and I know I was radiating some of it too-I was that frustratedbecuase I just coudlnt wait for 5 pm to roll around. When it did I couldnt even leave bc I had to finish what was doing prior. UGH!!!
*sigh*
I didnt go to the gym today. I opted to come home and relax. So I made warmed up dinner, put away lunch and listened to music. I want to make a CD but I dont have enough songs. I think I'm gonna take a long shower and go to bed! I really hope tommaorw is a much better day!! And to think I pray every morning and night!!!!

Weight!!!

Hey everyone!

I wanted to talk about my weight journey today. I know I said I would talk about some other things but I'm tired (a reoccuring theme these days) and I am ready for bed so I am hoping to make this short but very sweet.

I joined the gym about a month ago with the goal in mind to lose 10 punds by Caribana. Problem is I joined 2 weeks before and there was no way I was going to lose 10 pounds by then si I focused on living healthy and making healthy choices. Now this is hard for me because I have a few vices that I love

1. juice

2. eating out

3. quick convenienent easy food i.e junk- chips, bagels, kit kats....I could go on!!

KNowing all of this I had to make a drastic choice; keep eating poorly and watch myself gain weight or stop it and live healthier. I chose the latter.

I weighed in at 170 pounds. I'm putting my weight out there because a) I'm tall so 170 on me looks about 25 pounds lighter and b) I'm not ashamed. I look damn good at this weight BUT its not me. I am used to being a good 20 to 25 pounds lighter. Alot of people cant imagine me at that weight (they think its annoerxic on me) but just 5 years ago thats what I weighed and I was healthy with hips, bum and all.

Well thats where I want to be again.

So I have begun to go to the gym 5 days a week for 2 hours a day. I do a mix of cardio and weights. So far so good I am dropping inches BUT I still have a ways to go. 3.5 weeks is not enough to say that I am now cured of my weight lose issues and am on my way to being "happy" and slim. Thats nott the case. I'm impatient and I want to be thinner NOW!!!! I have toa ccept my body is nto like that. Last week I went to the gym only twice and this week only once. I had alot of things to do after work so I had to do what I had to do to take care of things but I am going back tommarow!!! I'm excited. I wanted to do ZUMBA but I wont be at that gym so I guess I will just have to settle for a small rinky dink gym. Good thing its just for a day.

Good part:

I've lost inches off my hips and 1 off my waist.

Bad part:

My bum is virtually gone!!

Good part:

my pants fit looser and my target skirt and pants are on their way to being zipped up with ease

Bad part:

I still like snacking and I have to reduce bread to once a week and sweets to NONE a week. But this damn hunger keeps putting all sorts of ideas in my head----sigh!!! I'm gonna fight it though.

I'm trying to make healthier eating choices, taking care of my skin and hair! I'm trying ya'll!

I watched a YouTube video where AndreasChoice talked about her weight lose regimen and she said she drinks alot of water-I'm talking baout a bottle before breakfast, lunch and dinner and she doesnt eat past 5pm. I finish work at 5 so thats not good for me. I think my cut off time will be 8 pm instead and I think I'm going to try the bottle before lunch thing. What do you guys think??

My boyfriend is working out with me too. I see the results but he is feeling discouraged because like me he wants to be at his goal size NOW! He is making progress. I think for his target area he really needs to focus on that s much as he does the weight training. Right now there is no part of his regimen dedicated to that area. Its all cardio and weights. He is changing that this week. Once he incorporates it for at least 3-4 weeks he will start to see a big difference.

I plan to do 30 mins cardio, 15 mins abs then 15 mins cardio. Then 15 mins weights training. I dont want to bulk up, I just want to create long lean muscle. Any suggestions???

Feel free to post a reply comment and let me know what you think

Night for now :)

You Brighten my Day!

Hey everyone!

One of my pet peeves is drivers who install those super bright HID headlights into what I consider crappy older cars such as old civics, accords, maxima's etc. So I was driving home 2 nights ago and got a unexpected treat. There was an driver with Texas plates rolling down the street in his vehicle with HID headlights. Granted his was a newer car so I cant really say he installed them or that they were manufacturer but nonethelss he had them. Right behind him was a guy who installed his lights and they were lighting up the American drivers car interior. I laughed so hard because now he knows what it feels like when he pulls up behind someone. I could tell it was bothering him because he was looking up at his rearview mirror squinting and sitting more to the left in his seat! PERFECT!!!

I loved it.

K, I'm oOff to bed.

My next post will be about the black communities dirty little secrets, my boyfriend and confidence in myself.

Night :)

Baby Mama Drama

So I went to wash some clothes yesterday and a Jamaican lady with a thick accent was in the laundromat with her toddler son. I brought a book with me bc I just bought it the day before and was super eager to get down and read it when she started up a convo with me.

Man she is super bitter about her situation and when she tells it you can see why. She doesnt have a good relationship with her family so she is raising her son on her own without their support (I suspect there is a back story on that but I didnt ask-I just let her talk), ontop of that her baby father wants nothing to do with her bc she took him to court. He doesnt come by to see their son and has hung up the phone on him (he is 2) when she dialed his number and put their son on the phone. She kept telling me over and over again not to have kids that her son is super clingy and if she leaves him with anyone to go somewhere he wont eat; he'll just sit and cry. She seemed super stressed out. Hearing her story you could see why. But what caught my attention more was how she treated her son. While she was talking to me she had a can of sprite in her hand and everytime he reached for it she would brush his hand away without even looking at him. She just kept talking. If he whined for candy she would kinda yell at him and tell him no. SHe even told me when he asks for his daddy she gets mad and tells him he doesnt have a "f'n daddy". Poor her and that child.

I dont want that to be me. I know she loves him but at the same time she seems stretched to the max. She did about 3 loads of laundry for $1.50 each and two dryers for 75 cents each; thats a total of $6 but for a single mom that is alot of money.

Poor her, I pray for her and her son.