My new journey and Focus!

Hello everyone!!

You may have just happened to notice a new layout on this blog. I did this on purpose (shock I know) because my blog needs a re-vitalization to reflect my journey since the last blog entry on February 19th.

So much has happened since then. I cried a little bit more because I needed to get it all out of my system to help the grieving process. But then dried my tears and decided my life is just fine without someone who could so easily say they love me then easily walk away with no explanation. Till he contacted me and decided he was ready to confess a few things that made everything make sense. Basically he met an Indian girl that works for one of his clients in November which happens to be the same month we had our 3 year anniversary. They became close, then he dumped me in December and "started" dating her in January (I dont believe him because he was mighty vague about this part of his confession) but there are forces that are keeping them apart which makes he feel sad. Feel free to insert your eye roll, shocked face, anger and rising blood pressure her>>><<<<

After telling him off politely he said he wanted to be friends and he wasnt ruling out a reconciliation which I believed because I still had feelings for him (God I was stupid). At the same time, after agreeing to this friendship with vague hope (aka he was stringing me along) I was still figuring out how I could enjoy my own company and do things that I enjoyed by myself and not judge myself for it. I thought this was his way of seeing if we could get back together. I was wrong, nieve and still hurt. I hoped that deep down inside he still loved me and maybe simply made a "mistake". I thought maybe eventually there was a possibility we could "work things out". Then I started noticing his frequency of contact increased when he was sick, or feeling down but when he was on the up and up I didnt hear from him. I mentioned how it seemed to him and he turned around and told me I was wrong and good bye-Again. So much for the "friendship" he claimed he really wanted and what big lesson for me. I cant bake my emotional hopes (notice I had a lot of that) for someone whose behaviour has shown me that they truely dont care about me or my feelings into a nice little cake and expect that it will taste how I dreamnt it would. It was bitter, rancid, and tasted exactly what it was-evil and malicious. After all, he provided the ingredients and I baked them together so how did I expect them to taste?

I sat down after his second goodbye and began asking myself some hard reflective questions.

1. Do I love myself more then what he was offering me?
2. Where did my self esteem go?
3. Why would I fight so hard to be accomodating and understanding of someone who didnt consider my feelings when he stepped out with someone else?
4. How much do I really love myself right now?
5. How can I regain a positive sense of self, a healthy self esteem and love myself enough to know that I dont have to accept this kind of behaviour no matter how much I may love the person.
6. What can I learn from this relationship, this break up and life after that I can use to strengthen myself and MOVE ON!
7. Do I believe I deserve better

Moving on seemed scary, because I bought into his "always and forever" speel and believed that he meant it. Obviously he didnt. I also held on to the hurtful words he said to me when he told me off in December. Thank God I shook that off with a lot of prayer, conversing with God and trusting him that I will be ok. I also had to change my thinking from he was "The One" to I was wrong he was never the One. I've learned it's ok to make mistakes and learn from them, take what I can then move on. I've learned to find out whats great about me, love me and tell myself those things every single day till I wake up knowing that I am all those things and then some. I've learned to enjoy my own company and concern myself with things that make me happy. I have a thrist for life and a yearning to experience new things and meet new people. I've involved myself in activities knowing that I am only concerned about myself having fun and connecting with people and not about a +1 and how they may or may not be connecting with the event or group. I put my trust in God and in turn he has allowed me to continually find things out about myself that I love. Then a strange thing started happening, my self esteem began to soar! Now when I reflect on his possibility of reconciliation the first thing that comes to mind is, "I'm worth more then what he had to offer and I cant turn back now. I love myself too much to accept what he was giving me all over again!" Then I ask myself "what benefit is a reconcilation to me" and I quickly answer, "none".

I used to have him on a pedelstand - huge mistake - and I saw only the great qualities and his "potential" to be. Now I see him very differently and I've concluded that he is emotionally immature, a manipulative cold hearted, vindictive person, a brooding liar, and he is emotionally unavailable. He is also suffering from a serious case of selfishness, childishness (insert stomping feet and "I'm taking my ball and going home" behaviour when things dont go his way here-Hmpf!), and materilaistic.
I can sit here and list all the things I think he is (yes there's more to that list) but my blog is no longer going to focus on a dead relationship with someone who gave up on what he advocated we had -his "always and forever" bs. Quite frankly, that ship has sailed. This blog's new focus is on my journey to happiness, new experiences and everything good that I know I deserve.

I dont believe my journey is complete because I know there are stages to grief and loss but I firmly beleive that I am doing well and on a path to living well. Idont feel sorry for myself. I provided details because my blog was left with a very sad and depressed undertone. I dont feel that way anymore. I want this place to be a happy, funny and sometimes saracastic account of my journey to living well. I'm hoping along that journey maybe I can help someone else who might recognize some of the things I mentioned above as symptoms that they may be in an emotionally unavailable relationship. But mainly I want to pay it forward.

I also want you all to know there will be a name change to this place. There is no longer any curry in my life though I do still enjoy the occasional curry chicken and rice, roti or curry goat. C'mon! I am Caribbean after all! Cant throw the baby out with the bath water now can I?? LOL