She Died....and I'm so hurt

Hi Everyone

At around 3 am this morning a lady who was like a 2nd mother to me died in her sleep.

She was the most real, down to earth woman I've ever known and I am not taking this very well at all.

I was very excited to come on here and tell you guys about all the happenings and funny moments of this week then at 6:10 pm I get the phone call that took all of that away.

RIP Hazel Jackson

I know she doesnt want anyone to cry for her but I cant help it. I just cant....

I can do it. Part 1

I dont know.

Lately I have been feeling confused, lost and sad because I have been focusing on the nagatives in my life.

A absent relationship with my mother

Lack of enough money to do everything that I want to do.Its been depressing to say the least. I have felt uptight, sad, depressed and ready to just give up. I'm tired of talking and saying the same old same old all the time. I think my friends and bf have given the same advise over and over as well.

It has to start with me inside. Its challenging because change is scary but it has to be done. I'm not the first or the last woman to have a mother who is not supportive at all. I'm also not the first or last person to have a mother who acts like she could give a shit either way. So today is the say that I stop appeasing her. To hell with what she likes or doesnt like. At the end of the day this is my life and I'm going to live it the way I want to. Strong words but I'm ready; its time I've just been standing by knowing I need to make the jump to change but trying to calculate how to do it. Some things cant be calculated; they just have to be done.

I want to be happy. I know I can be happy but I'm dragging my feet. I think too much and this is one of those things. Its not complicated but all this analyzing and overthinking is giving me a whole bunch of scenarios that dont need to be introduced. This makes my fears come out and influence the scenarios that are being created.

I have quite a few insecurities and I have come to the conclusion that I just cant have these anymore. I'm ready to let them go; like getting rid of excess baggage to lighten the load.

I also need to stop being a people pleaser. I want to please everyone and maintain harmony so that there arent any waves. When I do this I take alot of crap from people that I dont need to take. What I'm trying to say is I am ready to:

1. Love myself unconditionally and this means even my imperfections because as Alafia says: I am perfectly imperfect.

2. Finding my happiness no matter where it might be everyday.

-I want to do this even when it seems like the shit has hit the fan and is sliding down the wall.

- Just saying I am going to be happy no matter what will get me in the mindset to seek and find happiness in every scenario so I can maintain it in my everyday life.

3. Be my own bestfriend and support system.

-My boyfriend is amazing and he is an extremely strong support system for me at every turn but he is only human just like me and he has his bad days just like everyone else. I too need to be able to hold myself up and stand strong so I dont crumble at the first sign of trouble. I know deep down inside I am MUCH stronger then that. I need to start being strong inside too and hold myself up too when the scenarios arise when he isnt around. I can do it.

4. Stop being a people pleaser and start doing things to please myself AND be guilt free about it!

I have grown up to learn that taking shit is better then standing up and letting that person know they cant walk all over you. Reason being that it doesnt create waves and karma will deal with them eventually for the offense. Though Karma is great and seeking revenge it doesnt mean people are allowed to walk all over me. I've decided to stand up for myself and let those who offend me know that its not ok and not feel guilty or fear that they might not want to talk to me ever again or things might get weird. If it does get weird then they were not meant to be my friend or associate and have done me a favor by showing me why they need to be cut off.

I'll share more tommarow. I'm off to bed. Goodnight

A Bad day to a GREAT DAY!

Hey all. So I havent posted in a few days just because I was busy and frustrated and plain tired! Sorry about that! I just coudlnt wait till today because I took it off and was looking forward to relaxing!!

I woke up today at around 8 am and decided that I wasnt staying home I would go and shop for myself. So I ate, took a shower and left with my mother. We went to the mall and I bought a few things that I needed like shirts and blouses and make up!!! Check my other blog for what Igot at MAC but let me tell you that was one of the HIGHLIGHTS of my shopping experience today!

Anyhow, we went to the beauty supply store becuase I was thinking to change my hairstyle and was watching youtube and saw some vlogs on synthetic lacefronts and thought they look so nice that I wanted to check them out for myself. So I bought one and I will share that on my make up blog too so if your interested please head on over there and I will tell you ALL ABOUT IT!!

I get home with all intentions to go to the gym but end out going downtown with my friend to shop (she shopped I browsed it worked out well). So we (her friend came too) end up meeting her friend to go get fish and chips at a small restaurant on Queen St called Chippy's. Now, I dont like fish but I decided to eat there anyway because I was starving and it was almost 8pm. So I bought prawns and chips and ate that-not bad. But then again everything tastes great when your hungry so I think I'd have to try it again when I am not so....umm lets say STARVING!! LOL

Now for my adventures Downtown!!

B and I (her friend) had to pee real bad so we found a Hero Burger restaurant and followed the signs to go to the washroom. Problem is the washroom was down a long hallway, two flights of scary stairs and into a basement where the male and femal washrooms were distinguished by painted on signs around a corner. SCARY SHIT!! he and I made sure we checked down there throuroughly before we peed. I'm talking about checking each stall. It was a place that a scary movie about how burgers were made from people would be made.

Then the stench of pee, BO and alcohol would enter our nostrils every 5 minutes. Then all the girls heading to the club in dresses that clearly didnt match their body types. I nearly got a boob in the eye because a girl tried to cut between my friends and I and she was waring sky high heels. LOL I think the guys were jealous that I nearly got a faceful of boobies just like that and they didnt...LOL HAHAHA

ALl in all it was a fun night of us 3 talking and laughing all the way down the street and back! I think today was a GREAT DAY!!!!!!!

What a bad day!!!!!!!!

UGH! Let me tell you! Today was such a bad day!!! SUCH A BAD DAY!!
Its end of month so alot of cheques had to be receipted, invoices paid, cash depsoited in the bank etc, etc, ect. Just madness! My day starts off with a circk in my neck, then I get into it with my bf in the car. Not a yellign macth but I walked away with feeling hurt and sad. I get to work and I have a MILLION things to do. My supervisor who isnt training me or the new guy properly is frustated, piles on work and doesnt give clear instructions which causes me MORE work ontop of what I already had. Like I didnt have enough to do already.

I end up crying at lunch in the car (thank God for tinted windows plus I felt like I was about to burst) with my bf (he didnt cry-he held my hand and tried to make me feel better). On top of that he had a bad day. It was just a bad day for everyone. I dont know about the other departments but I could feel the tension in mine-that and I know I was radiating some of it too-I was that frustratedbecuase I just coudlnt wait for 5 pm to roll around. When it did I couldnt even leave bc I had to finish what was doing prior. UGH!!!
*sigh*
I didnt go to the gym today. I opted to come home and relax. So I made warmed up dinner, put away lunch and listened to music. I want to make a CD but I dont have enough songs. I think I'm gonna take a long shower and go to bed! I really hope tommaorw is a much better day!! And to think I pray every morning and night!!!!