...all said and done...

Hello Everyone

Its been so long but I havent forgotten this blog. The last post I made was before everything changed. I lost my job by the hands of a callous supervisor, My father went in for major heart surgery and had complications afterwards that lasted for months, I celebrated my 3 year anniversary with my bf then a month later I find out my mother has breast cancer, shortly after that my bf of 3 years abruptly tells me goodbye-not before blaming me At timfor the demise of the relationship. And by the way, its a week till christmas followed by a week till both our birthdays.

Talk about heavy load all at once.

I cried so hard at times that it surprised me. I felt a hurt so deep that I couldnt describe. I needed him and he walked off and treated me like I was some sort of an asshole that he couldnt wait to get rid of. I wondered who he was and if I ever knew him. I wondered how the person who said they loved me more then anything and acted like they did could suddenly do an about face. Througout everything that happened in those 3 years of being together it was never supposed to be him who hurt me like that. It was he and I against the world. I believed him when he said always and forever. I believed him when he said he would never walk away. I believed him when he said he loved me so why did he say such mean things to me, blame me for his issues then walk off without looking back when I needed him the most?

Our relationship wasnt perfect none is but it was a shock nonetheless. My family was upset becauser they saw him as apart of the family. Even my mother who was never a fan of his was trying to get us back together.

2 Weeks ago he msged me

It was light at first then he explained what happened. He wasnt happy within himself and he shut down on everyone and lashed out at me blaming me for his issues but it wasnt me. He regreted the timing. He told my friend it was never supposed to be a break up just a break because he was so unhappy within himself.

So now what?

His aunt just had a baby and I went to visit. He is a sweetheart but it reminded me of everything that was and everything I wont be apart of and I started crying. For weeks I hadnt cried and felt as hurt as when it just happened yet today I cried like I hadnt in a long time. This is why I choose not to talk about it with anyone outside of my immediate family and friends. Alot of people dont know and will ask how "we" are doing and I give them generic replies that dont suggest we are still together. I simply say "he is fine" and leave it at that.

I would be a complete liar if I said I am over it because I am not. I spent alot of my time with him and now I spend a lot of my time without him. Its a drastic and sudden change that I've had to adjust to.

Tto be continued at a later date...I need a moment....