Everything happens for a reason.

Ther is a time for smiling, a time for laughing, a time for crying and time to hear the truth.

I think that time is now.

I have a fmaily member that likes to talk. Everything that happens they are the first person to pick up the phone and call sister so and so and tell them yet they wont tell the person they are upset with. Then when sunday morning rolls around they act like nothing was said and sister so adn so looks at you with the hmm hmm look.

Typical church drama. I dont like drama yet this person does. They revel in epoepl thinking they are a victim and you are evil. I think they do this because deep down they are evil themselves and want todeflect the attention away from themselves and onto the other person.

As I type this I am thinking how childish this all is.

My point for typing this is this:

I dont like drama anmd I dont like mix up yet I found out today that people whom I nievely trusted at atime when I was most vulnerble and offered themselves as a shoulder to lean on were the same epople who brought my name back.

I think I'm mad at myself more then anything because I was warned but I didnt listen because I didnt want to beleive that the epople who presented themselves as one way were the exact opposte. What gets me is these are the same people who coninuted to smile and now half smile in my face every sunday.

So the question comes well why do you still go to that church. That church always gives warnings about stayingunder the rim of God so that his protection will be upon you and I believed that I was getting that at this church. I went in priased the Lord, read the bible and said hellos and goodbyes not knowing that i was surrounded by people casting a judgmental eye on me because of what this person has said. I think it all makes sense now. The distancing, the weird looks. This person who spread these lies about me did it because everyone looked at me favorably as the girl who has a good head on her shoulders, the girl who is polite and is a good girl and they didnt like it so they worked hard to create scenarios and situations behind the scenes to tarnish that image. So now I walk in thinking everything is ok when in reality it is not. In reality I am slandered before my car is even in park, I am judged and my image is turned upside down the moment they cast eyes on me and this person who did it is now seen as the victim when they are they perpetrator.

This is why I dont like going to Caribbean churches and I dont like being around too many Jamaicans because this is what happens.

*Sigh*

I have been struggling a little bit lately. I wont lie its been a rough 2 months. Its like everything feel down when Hazel died and I dont know why its affected me like this. Actually I do. Its made merealize that life is oto short. I want to do what make sme happy but at the same time I am accountable because I have financial responsibilities.

This is hard. Pleas ebear with me as I go through this process. I know I might confuse ou and I apologize its just me trying to sort it all out!

Hello!

So here I am 13 days later. I planned to come here and post but I was in the middle of my stay-cation so I didnt have a moment to come here. I'm sorry. I will come here tommarow and tell you all about my stay-cation, and the adventurous time I had :)

I'm back

Hello everyone

its been a long time. Last time I posted it was to say that someone whom I loved died suddenly and I honestly didnt know how to deal with it because it was unexpected. She was the last person I expected to die and the worse part was I didnt even get a chance to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I didnt think it would hurt me so bad and I would internalize it but I did. I dont deal well with death and up until that point didnt have to deal with it so I rightfully didnt deal as well as I invisioned I would. But I am back

I see life differently now. Anyone of us can be here today and gone tommarow. SO many things can happen in a day, a week, a month nothing is absolute.

I havent really talked to anyone too much about it. I talked to my bf and even though he encouraged me to keep talking I didnt. Not because I didnt want to but I think I pushed it down so far that I "forgot" about it. But to be honest it was always there and it came out in other ways such as anger, frustration, sadness, fear, insecurities and anxiety.

I'm working on it. I think my bf has felt the brunt of it followed close by my mother. I just feel ike I have no patience and lately it has been so hard to contain my anger when something pisses me off. But those ar ethe negatives.

The positives is I am on this get fit and tone up thing and though I havent been to the gym (well bfore last week) in a month I havent gained much weight back at all. I think I gained perhaps at most 5 Lbs and 1 to 2 inches of what I lost. I am on a mission to tone up and drop a pant size from a size 8 to a size 7.

Another positive is I paid off my VISA bill

Another is I had my student loan payments lowered to something managable.

I've also closed 1 bank account eliminating excess fees and opened a tax free, no fee savings account that I cant access from my debit card.

I'm organizing a spa day and I am doing things to make me happy.

Today is the first day but I am on track-God is with me.

Sorry for being MIA for so long. I missed coming here and it feels good to be back.

Love you all. Till tommarow :)