This must be why my joy is blanketed on the inside

SO tuesday night I thought about making a second post but my eyes were puffy from crying and my body was tired so I went to bed. I loved Michael but not enough to bring on such a response. So what made me cry like that? A friend. These past few weeks have been hard for me. I've been depressed and sad alot and quite frankly I didnt feel like myself at all. I struggled to even smile let alone speak sometimes. Apparently in my cloud of depression her birthday passed and I didnt call her. My bad, if the circumstances were different I gurantee you I would have called. But I was caught up in my own sadness and clouds of emotions that it came and went and I didnt even realize.

Then someone we know died July 1st. I found out on facebook and in my disbelief I scanned the friends list found someone I knew and messaged them asking if it was the same guy that my friend knew. She didnt reply; instead she told my friend that I asked her. Interesting. My intentions were not malicious. In fact, I had been wondering why it was that if I didnt call my friend she didnt call me. But I guess it was because she was upset that I didnt call her for her birthday.

A little background info: She and I have had a up and down friendship. In university I often felt like the fall back friend. My major was time consuming and I couldnt go out with her as much as I would have liked to go out as much as she could but I couldnt. We talked about it but nothing really happened then we stopped talking and started again on my effort. Then I became the mall friend. Its so stupid and complicated that I dont even want to type it all. Its mentally and physically exhausting.

Now she is upset. I apologized, I explained I called, I even called her today at work to see how she was doing. SHe sounded distant. I tried to tell myself that it has to do with her aunt being very sick and her trying to deal with that guys death but ... she doesnt talk to me the same. Shes distant, cold. I told her about my recent promotion (I'll blog about that in the next entry) and she paused like she was shocked at my new title then goes, "oh". SO I explain my title (why do I have to explain really??) shouldnt you just be happy that I am in a better position then I was in before?? I had to explain before she said, "Oh thats good. I'm happy for you". Wow! I sat on the phone and asked myself why I bothered to call her after my text asking how she was feeling went unanswered for almost 2 hours. Then I answered myself with one word: guilt! Guilt made me call her because I felt guilty for not calling her on her birthday and making her think that I was angry at her when I asked her friend about the death. Truth of the matter is I was depressed...very depressed. Nothing else. SO why should I feel guilty about that?? Its like my good news is being tainted by all these other bad outside things.

Tears for You Michael

My heart is heavy because I am still in denial that MJ is truely gone. I cant bring myself to let the teras in my eyes fall bc I just cant give in that he is really gone. I just cant. I thought my kids would see and hear Michael some day the way I had the privilage to. I watched as MuchMoreMusic, MTV, and Much Music broadcast his many videos but there is one video that transports me back to being 11 siting in my moms room glued to the tv; "Remember the Time". That was my favorite song in the whole world and if you were giving me a million dollars to look away I probably wouldnt notice you there. Thats how transfixed he had me. I watched and took in every move his body made, his dancers, the set, the lyrics everything. When the song came on my little radio I would dance all around my room. I'd even cut friends off the phone so I could sing and dance along to it. Thats how much I loved that video and song....thats how much I loved Micheal. By 11 I was old enough to appreciate him and understand how genius and far ahead of his time he was; even if it was just by me loving that song. There are many other songs that I loved, songs that if I am in the car and they are played on the radio I turn it up, start dancing (yes all in my seat lol) , singing along and smiling.

There will be NO one else to come after him nor is there anyone before him who could capture a nation and influence generations who only knew him when he was grown (including me) and those who knew of him through the 80's and 90's babies who grew up and used his inspiration and influence to incorporate his lyrics and dance moves in their song. My future kids will hear about Michael and see him if be from the records I play (yes I will have at least one at that time), from the videos I will play either on the internet, on blue ray or maybe even the DVD player if that doesnt go the way of the 8-track LOL.

Michael you will be missed more that I or many of your other fans can ever express in words. So where ever you are, if you can read our hearts to know how we truely feel.... we love you! Rest in Peace Michael. Hopefully you will experience the peace that you deserved on your short stay with us on earth.

Selfish and Karma- Are they connected??

God is good to me....how can I let him down?? Hvae you ever heard this gospel song?

The song is nice but my humaness makes that last statment almost seem like a lie. The fact of the matter is I do bad things from time to time. Not bad in that I am criminally liable to stand in front of a judge and await sentencing but just your everyday bad stuff; the kind of thing that keeps me out of jail but might make me subject to another (imperfect) humans judgment.

I blogged a few weeks back about not caring what other people think and it remains a struggle for me still to this day. But I know its a process that will take time. Some days are easier then others, yet other days I find myself falling back into familiar habits of trying to anticipate someone elses moves or thoughts based on their moods, actions or facial expressions. Its impossible because I dont know whats going on in someones mind and unless I suddenly develop some special ESP mind reading capabilities it wont happen anytime soon. People are people-selfish, imperfect, caught up in their own heads and their own worlds oblivious to everyone else.

I find that I consider other poeples feelings and how my actions impact them alot more than the courtesy is extended back to me. It hurts my feelings because I just want someone to "care" about how thier actions impact another (me?). But is that expectation in itself selfish? Unfortunatly, I dont live in a world where other people care about me or anyone else that is not in their close circle. Instead they will freely do to others what they couldnt dare stand someone doing to them or worse their spouse, significant other or children. If the reverse were true they would go ape shit on someone. Yet there they are doing it to someone else without as much as a second thought. For example my obnoxious asst manager. He is disrespectful, rude, crass, and obnoxious yet I'm willing to put down money if anyone handled his wife that way at her place of work he would be taking time off to go whoop some ass. Yet he feels no ways to do it to us at work. Funny how that works huh?

Or the guy in the truck who dangerously cuts you off on the road. Had that same scenario been played out with his wife, gf, bf, sibling, or child behind the wheel he would be on a personal mision to hunt the guy down and run him over. See what I mean?

WE as humans dont care, yet belly ache and get damn angry if the bad things we do to other people comes back onto those we love the most! Karma....it never hits you where it will hurt the least. It always hits you where it hurts the most! And if the most means it is played out on your bf, gf, child, or family then thats what is going to happen.

In Jamaica there is a saying that goes:

"its not the same day leaf touch the wata it rotten. It takes several days"

Translation, its not the same day that a leaf falls onto the water does it fully rot. It takes many days before the process starts. Meaning karma is not always instantaneous...it happens slow but when it does its profound and cannot be denied for what it is.

I found out yesterday that someone I knew, full of life died July 1st. He was only 29 and it got me thinking even more about how precious life is and how we all only have but a short time here. SO many deaths, a pastor getting caught up in a shocking revelation that to this day many cant believe now this. Its sad. I decided today when I woke up that my life is too precious to be caught up worrying about things, people, their decisions. My life, my health, and existance is not to get caught up in these fine points with people whom many didnt even exist in my world till recently. Its a waste.

So I close by saying this:

Life is a celebration.

I've been giving my personal power to too many people who dont deserve it. I've given too many poeple a slice of importance that they have not earned or should have been cut back on a long time ago. The list carries quite a few names and emotionally I need to cut the stings and set them free down the river so they can experience their 7 days.

Peace and love everyone!

hugs and kisses

;)

Happy 4th of July my american friends!

I know this is a few days late. I apologize for that. I was running around alot on staurday so posting or even coming on the internet was next to impossible.

I Hope you all enjoyed your day!

Bad day!

What a bad day I had. I came home and played SIMS for 2 hours because I just wanted to get my mind off it and onto something else. I havent forgotten about blogging, I'm just not ready to talk about it. I think I'm gonna go to bed.

ttyl later

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I almost forgot!

Yes I am C-A-N-A-D-I-A-N!!! EH!!!!

Yes I am damn PROUD of it! (And what??)

Yes, I'd rather live here than in the USA (yes I said that too and guess what, millions of other Canadians feel the EXACT same way!! Go Canada!!)

So to make it up to this country that has made me so proud and FREEI say.....

OH Canada! Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!

Love always a Proud and patriotic Canadian!

<---Nope this is not me! LOL I'm proud! Not looking for pnemonia!

I'm so glad that I wasnt born anywhere else but here. I love this country and its faults but even though the politicians piss me off, have hidden agendas and are passive aggressive children in suits at cityhall, there are strikes happening everywhere and crime is rising----I love this country and there is no other place that I'd rather be!

GO CANADA!!!

Love you all,

Signed,

Proud Canadian!

Accounting...AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Ok so I am studying acccounting and ooooooohh myyyyyy gossssssshhhhh this is detailed and complicated. I had to take a break at the topic of how financial statements are related because the terms depreciation, captiallization, fixed assets, income statemnts, cash flow statements and how expensing items affects all of the above was making me feel like I was about to lose my mind!!

*breathe*

I'm just realy trying to figure this all out LOL. Understand, get the terms right and hopefully know what I am talking about when it comes to accounts recievables, payables and where they all factor in on income statements, cash flow statements and balance sheets!!

Next is the part 1 quiz in the book! Then onwards and forwards to debits and credits!!!

*sigh*

Wish me luck!