Inner Peace and the Choice to Be the Best Version of Yourself

What is your inner peace?

Do you find peace in meditation? Music, talking to a sympathetic ear, religion? Activities? Where do you find your inner peace?

My inner peace is founded in my religion. I like reading inspirational verses in the bible that inspires me and encourages me to be the best I can be. I find solace in the verses where God lets me know that I am not alone in my heart ache, or my struggles. That He is near to me when I have a broken heart. He forgives me when I do wrong and is merciful to me when I deserve to be punished. He is a God of second chances, and He wants to be merciful to me. In order to be forgiven I must forgive those who hurt me. I must obey.

Can you have inner peace when you have something against someone who hurt you? No.

Holding ill feelings against someone who caused you hurt is counterproductive to inner peace by its very nature because those feelings are negative and hurtful. Peace doesn't hurt. Peace is calm and tranquil. Being hurt feels like a inner storm whirling around in your mind and heart. Feeling hurt and Feeling at Peace can't co-exist in the same heart.

How deep must one go to find inner peace?

Inner peace comes from making a series of choices to be happy and choose actions and thoughts that will maintain peace or create peace in your mind and heart. Sounds radical because everyone wants to be happy but is everyone doing what they need to do to be happy? Do the people who want happiness the most know that it begins with a choice? And each choice made consecutively, on purpose will lead to happiness and inner peace? Its true. Its not a magic wand lying somewhere on the ground that some lucky bloke might stumble upon some day! Nope! Its a choice. When your presented with an opportunity to react negatively or react in a way where the scenario doesn't create a negative response in you, you then have a choice. Choose the negative and get angry, sad, mad, indignant! Or choose to let it go, say so what, or there must be more to this scenario that what it seems, or simply, "I'm not going to let this bother me" then move on. That's brushing it off and that's choosing happiness thus taking you one step closer to inner peace.

Are choices the only way?

No, they are one tool in an arsenal that will lead you to that place. Meditation is another good tool. It helps you to focus, slow down, calm your mind and helps you to feel more in control of your body. Its an excellent tool. Others are literature. Some may think this is cliche but The Secret" and other books that help you to understand that your mind is a powerful tool in helping you be calm, make the right choices, see clearly and help you centre and channel your thoughts on your goals and achieving them are all good tools.

So whats in a choice?

Life is a series of choices. You choose what to wear in the morning. You choose to work for the job you currently have even if its not ideal and doesn't pay all the bills. At the end of the day you chose that job. You choose the kind of car you are currently driving or you chose not to drive and take public transit because it was the most sensible choice outside of walking an hour to work in the cold when you could have taken a 20 minute bus ride and a 30 minute train ride down to work. You chose what you eat. You choose your friends. You choose your favorite form of entertainment. You choose what you do with your money and you choose what you do with your free time. So, why wouldn't it make sense to choose to live well but choosing not to fly off the handle. Choosing to accept your situation the way it is then choose a plan of action to improve your situation and be your best self. Why not choose how you think, what you accept for yourself, and what you tell yourself over and over in your head where no one can hear you? Why not choose to think the best despite what you see in front of you? Its not fluff its expecting the best despite how things currently look. Why not choose the best for yourself?

Whats holding you back from your  inner peace? Are you choosing to be your best self today?

My new journey and Focus!

Hello everyone!!

You may have just happened to notice a new layout on this blog. I did this on purpose (shock I know) because my blog needs a re-vitalization to reflect my journey since the last blog entry on February 19th.

So much has happened since then. I cried a little bit more because I needed to get it all out of my system to help the grieving process. But then dried my tears and decided my life is just fine without someone who could so easily say they love me then easily walk away with no explanation. Till he contacted me and decided he was ready to confess a few things that made everything make sense. Basically he met an Indian girl that works for one of his clients in November which happens to be the same month we had our 3 year anniversary. They became close, then he dumped me in December and "started" dating her in January (I dont believe him because he was mighty vague about this part of his confession) but there are forces that are keeping them apart which makes he feel sad. Feel free to insert your eye roll, shocked face, anger and rising blood pressure her>>><<<<

After telling him off politely he said he wanted to be friends and he wasnt ruling out a reconciliation which I believed because I still had feelings for him (God I was stupid). At the same time, after agreeing to this friendship with vague hope (aka he was stringing me along) I was still figuring out how I could enjoy my own company and do things that I enjoyed by myself and not judge myself for it. I thought this was his way of seeing if we could get back together. I was wrong, nieve and still hurt. I hoped that deep down inside he still loved me and maybe simply made a "mistake". I thought maybe eventually there was a possibility we could "work things out". Then I started noticing his frequency of contact increased when he was sick, or feeling down but when he was on the up and up I didnt hear from him. I mentioned how it seemed to him and he turned around and told me I was wrong and good bye-Again. So much for the "friendship" he claimed he really wanted and what big lesson for me. I cant bake my emotional hopes (notice I had a lot of that) for someone whose behaviour has shown me that they truely dont care about me or my feelings into a nice little cake and expect that it will taste how I dreamnt it would. It was bitter, rancid, and tasted exactly what it was-evil and malicious. After all, he provided the ingredients and I baked them together so how did I expect them to taste?

I sat down after his second goodbye and began asking myself some hard reflective questions.

1. Do I love myself more then what he was offering me?
2. Where did my self esteem go?
3. Why would I fight so hard to be accomodating and understanding of someone who didnt consider my feelings when he stepped out with someone else?
4. How much do I really love myself right now?
5. How can I regain a positive sense of self, a healthy self esteem and love myself enough to know that I dont have to accept this kind of behaviour no matter how much I may love the person.
6. What can I learn from this relationship, this break up and life after that I can use to strengthen myself and MOVE ON!
7. Do I believe I deserve better

Moving on seemed scary, because I bought into his "always and forever" speel and believed that he meant it. Obviously he didnt. I also held on to the hurtful words he said to me when he told me off in December. Thank God I shook that off with a lot of prayer, conversing with God and trusting him that I will be ok. I also had to change my thinking from he was "The One" to I was wrong he was never the One. I've learned it's ok to make mistakes and learn from them, take what I can then move on. I've learned to find out whats great about me, love me and tell myself those things every single day till I wake up knowing that I am all those things and then some. I've learned to enjoy my own company and concern myself with things that make me happy. I have a thrist for life and a yearning to experience new things and meet new people. I've involved myself in activities knowing that I am only concerned about myself having fun and connecting with people and not about a +1 and how they may or may not be connecting with the event or group. I put my trust in God and in turn he has allowed me to continually find things out about myself that I love. Then a strange thing started happening, my self esteem began to soar! Now when I reflect on his possibility of reconciliation the first thing that comes to mind is, "I'm worth more then what he had to offer and I cant turn back now. I love myself too much to accept what he was giving me all over again!" Then I ask myself "what benefit is a reconcilation to me" and I quickly answer, "none".

I used to have him on a pedelstand - huge mistake - and I saw only the great qualities and his "potential" to be. Now I see him very differently and I've concluded that he is emotionally immature, a manipulative cold hearted, vindictive person, a brooding liar, and he is emotionally unavailable. He is also suffering from a serious case of selfishness, childishness (insert stomping feet and "I'm taking my ball and going home" behaviour when things dont go his way here-Hmpf!), and materilaistic.
I can sit here and list all the things I think he is (yes there's more to that list) but my blog is no longer going to focus on a dead relationship with someone who gave up on what he advocated we had -his "always and forever" bs. Quite frankly, that ship has sailed. This blog's new focus is on my journey to happiness, new experiences and everything good that I know I deserve.

I dont believe my journey is complete because I know there are stages to grief and loss but I firmly beleive that I am doing well and on a path to living well. Idont feel sorry for myself. I provided details because my blog was left with a very sad and depressed undertone. I dont feel that way anymore. I want this place to be a happy, funny and sometimes saracastic account of my journey to living well. I'm hoping along that journey maybe I can help someone else who might recognize some of the things I mentioned above as symptoms that they may be in an emotionally unavailable relationship. But mainly I want to pay it forward.

I also want you all to know there will be a name change to this place. There is no longer any curry in my life though I do still enjoy the occasional curry chicken and rice, roti or curry goat. C'mon! I am Caribbean after all! Cant throw the baby out with the bath water now can I?? LOL

...all said and done...

Hello Everyone

Its been so long but I havent forgotten this blog. The last post I made was before everything changed. I lost my job by the hands of a callous supervisor, My father went in for major heart surgery and had complications afterwards that lasted for months, I celebrated my 3 year anniversary with my bf then a month later I find out my mother has breast cancer, shortly after that my bf of 3 years abruptly tells me goodbye-not before blaming me At timfor the demise of the relationship. And by the way, its a week till christmas followed by a week till both our birthdays.

Talk about heavy load all at once.

I cried so hard at times that it surprised me. I felt a hurt so deep that I couldnt describe. I needed him and he walked off and treated me like I was some sort of an asshole that he couldnt wait to get rid of. I wondered who he was and if I ever knew him. I wondered how the person who said they loved me more then anything and acted like they did could suddenly do an about face. Througout everything that happened in those 3 years of being together it was never supposed to be him who hurt me like that. It was he and I against the world. I believed him when he said always and forever. I believed him when he said he would never walk away. I believed him when he said he loved me so why did he say such mean things to me, blame me for his issues then walk off without looking back when I needed him the most?

Our relationship wasnt perfect none is but it was a shock nonetheless. My family was upset becauser they saw him as apart of the family. Even my mother who was never a fan of his was trying to get us back together.

2 Weeks ago he msged me

It was light at first then he explained what happened. He wasnt happy within himself and he shut down on everyone and lashed out at me blaming me for his issues but it wasnt me. He regreted the timing. He told my friend it was never supposed to be a break up just a break because he was so unhappy within himself.

So now what?

His aunt just had a baby and I went to visit. He is a sweetheart but it reminded me of everything that was and everything I wont be apart of and I started crying. For weeks I hadnt cried and felt as hurt as when it just happened yet today I cried like I hadnt in a long time. This is why I choose not to talk about it with anyone outside of my immediate family and friends. Alot of people dont know and will ask how "we" are doing and I give them generic replies that dont suggest we are still together. I simply say "he is fine" and leave it at that.

I would be a complete liar if I said I am over it because I am not. I spent alot of my time with him and now I spend a lot of my time without him. Its a drastic and sudden change that I've had to adjust to.

Tto be continued at a later date...I need a moment....

Stares and Blasian Love

Yesterday, the bf and I had a quick meal at McDonalds. As we slid into the booth I looked up and noticed an Indian woman staring. At first she would stare then break it to look back at whomever she was with but after a while she just couldnt tear her eyes off of us. I continued my meal and when we left, we held hands and walked out only to be confronted with more stares and dropped jaws from the black men who were at the drive thru window and waiting at the counter. Talk about a feast for thirsty eyes. Its been a while since we drew that much attention. I normally dont notice that stuff but I felt like I was an art display that no one has ever seen before.

I love this show. I dont know if you guys have had a chance to watch it, but its a good show. Its about 4 friends who get together at Barolos Restaurant to chit chat about their prior nights date (often hilarious) and help each other navigate through the dating world. I love it. Pepa is 1 /2 of the duo Salt and Pepa and she is on her own in this show to find love. I was first drawn to it becuase int hepreviews she was dressed really nicely and looked sophisticated and her friends, Jacque, Joumana and Kittie. All of them are characters but I loved how Pep handles herself with class and sincerity. So why am I mentioning this on my IR blog about Blindian

love?? Well, Pep and her friends have gone on a number of dates. Many hilarious, some scandalous and some downright ghetto LOL but all for good t.v. Pep eventually met a tall Asian chef named Tom. Tom had game...I have to admit. He had me swooning after their first date and on Tonights season finale..*spoiler alert* they make it official-they are boyfriend and girlfriend. I love it!! Finally IR relationships are becoming more to the public forefront. I love it!! And its a pairing that everyone thinks could never happen-AM and BW. I hope this show helps AM to realize that BW are open to dating you! I remember when I was in university there was a AM/BW couple and though I didnt want to stare I couldnt help but smile whenever they came to class and sat together. He was a good looking guy and she was such a pretty black girl. I just loved them together and wished and wondererd if I could ever have that too. I was always open to AM but thought it was next to impossible for them to consider dating me till I saw them. Secretly I told myself that if they could pair up there is hope for me to pair up too.

Here is a pic of the happy couple. I love it!

Wow, its been a while

Sorry everyone for being gone for so long!! I've been going through alot in these past few months with work and my supervisor. I finally learned that I had to stand up to him and tell him that his behaviour towards me is unacceptable and it had to stop and it had to change. He was what I called a passive bully. If he percieved you to be weak he would nit pick, talk down to and manipulate your results to make you feel disempowered, helpless and disillusioned. I think standing up to him was the best decision I could have made and I am so glad I did it. He has done a complete 180 and I in turn have learned a lesson that I should not sit back silently and let anyone bully me no matter what their position is. People need to know boundaries and we teach people how to treat us by what we allow them to say nd do. He knows his boundaries with me.

Silence is not the best policy.

In terms of my relationship with my bf everything is going well. We dont notice the dirty looks from anyone anymore. I personally dont care because at the end of the day I am doing whats best for me. In terms of my mother I dont know how it happened but somewhere down the line I stopped caring what her opinion was (or still is) of my bf. I'm not going to let her views and feelings get in the way of who I want to be with. She is not God and as long as I put my trust and my future in his hand and pray to him then I will be alright.

Its funny, Ive prayed alot in these past few months about different things and one of those things that has come out of that is a desire to change my life and my environment. Its very lear to me that my environment is not making me happy. I need a new job, I need a new career and I need a new space to live in while I do these life changing things. Its a small step but for me its a big one in that I have started with where I live. Unfortunatly due to the receission and this economy I had to move back home. I did that right before I lost my job and everything came crashing down and it must have been devine intervention ebcause literally a few weeks after I felt a strong desir to come back home (bc deep down it felt like something bad was going to happen) I lost my job. SO here I sit in my childhood room (its pretty big which is a good thing) and just hating it. I decided that while I change these other aspects of my life- speaking up more, making a career change etc I should change the homespace I come home to every day. I decided to get rid of my old out dated l-shaped desk that is taking up alot of space in my room. I decided to purge my closet and draws of old colothes and things I dont wear anymore but was holding onto because someone had given them to me and I didnt want to seem ungrateful (screw that!), I decided to get rid of furniture, drapes, carpet, electronics....honestly by thte time I am done this room is going to look incredibly different. And I am so excited about it. It makes me happy. These changes are making me happy and I am going to continue to do them to continue to make myself happy!

I think thats my theme right now. My happiness-1 step at a time!

Inevitable Accident

Its not lie that I had been having a rough few weeks. Things at my job was just not what I wanted it to be and it had me feeling depressed and feeling like I didnt know what to do. So I came home, prayed and watched LoveBScott on youtube and felt inspired. I decided then to practice his advice and walk and live in my Truth, be happy and not let anyone take that away. The next day I got into my car and travelled to work as I always do. For those who know me persoanlly know tht I have a brand new car just turned 1 years old. A dump truck slammed into the back of a car and we all slammed on our brakes. I stopped but the guy behind me didnt and he hit me. By the grace of God I was able to walk away and my car sustained very little damage but my back and shoulders werent so lucky. My muscles are sore. Even As I type this I am sore.

But God is good. It could have been much worse. At first I kept replaying it in my mind wondering if there was something I could have done differently, maybe left earlier or what but in reality there wasnt. So I stopped blaming myself and I am now going to focus on MYSELF for a change. I refuse to lift anything but most importantly I am going to do things that make me happy and one of those things is blogging with you guys. I was locked out of my hotmail account-AGAIN and coudlnt reset my password because I was locked out of blogger but now that its sorted out I will be making an effor to get back on here more often!

Hugs and kisses guys.

Love you all and until next time....I'm gonna go rest my back and shoulders!

Everything happens for a reason.

Ther is a time for smiling, a time for laughing, a time for crying and time to hear the truth.

I think that time is now.

I have a fmaily member that likes to talk. Everything that happens they are the first person to pick up the phone and call sister so and so and tell them yet they wont tell the person they are upset with. Then when sunday morning rolls around they act like nothing was said and sister so adn so looks at you with the hmm hmm look.

Typical church drama. I dont like drama yet this person does. They revel in epoepl thinking they are a victim and you are evil. I think they do this because deep down they are evil themselves and want todeflect the attention away from themselves and onto the other person.

As I type this I am thinking how childish this all is.

My point for typing this is this:

I dont like drama anmd I dont like mix up yet I found out today that people whom I nievely trusted at atime when I was most vulnerble and offered themselves as a shoulder to lean on were the same epople who brought my name back.

I think I'm mad at myself more then anything because I was warned but I didnt listen because I didnt want to beleive that the epople who presented themselves as one way were the exact opposte. What gets me is these are the same people who coninuted to smile and now half smile in my face every sunday.

So the question comes well why do you still go to that church. That church always gives warnings about stayingunder the rim of God so that his protection will be upon you and I believed that I was getting that at this church. I went in priased the Lord, read the bible and said hellos and goodbyes not knowing that i was surrounded by people casting a judgmental eye on me because of what this person has said. I think it all makes sense now. The distancing, the weird looks. This person who spread these lies about me did it because everyone looked at me favorably as the girl who has a good head on her shoulders, the girl who is polite and is a good girl and they didnt like it so they worked hard to create scenarios and situations behind the scenes to tarnish that image. So now I walk in thinking everything is ok when in reality it is not. In reality I am slandered before my car is even in park, I am judged and my image is turned upside down the moment they cast eyes on me and this person who did it is now seen as the victim when they are they perpetrator.

This is why I dont like going to Caribbean churches and I dont like being around too many Jamaicans because this is what happens.