Wow, its been a while

Sorry everyone for being gone for so long!! I've been going through alot in these past few months with work and my supervisor. I finally learned that I had to stand up to him and tell him that his behaviour towards me is unacceptable and it had to stop and it had to change. He was what I called a passive bully. If he percieved you to be weak he would nit pick, talk down to and manipulate your results to make you feel disempowered, helpless and disillusioned. I think standing up to him was the best decision I could have made and I am so glad I did it. He has done a complete 180 and I in turn have learned a lesson that I should not sit back silently and let anyone bully me no matter what their position is. People need to know boundaries and we teach people how to treat us by what we allow them to say nd do. He knows his boundaries with me.

Silence is not the best policy.

In terms of my relationship with my bf everything is going well. We dont notice the dirty looks from anyone anymore. I personally dont care because at the end of the day I am doing whats best for me. In terms of my mother I dont know how it happened but somewhere down the line I stopped caring what her opinion was (or still is) of my bf. I'm not going to let her views and feelings get in the way of who I want to be with. She is not God and as long as I put my trust and my future in his hand and pray to him then I will be alright.

Its funny, Ive prayed alot in these past few months about different things and one of those things that has come out of that is a desire to change my life and my environment. Its very lear to me that my environment is not making me happy. I need a new job, I need a new career and I need a new space to live in while I do these life changing things. Its a small step but for me its a big one in that I have started with where I live. Unfortunatly due to the receission and this economy I had to move back home. I did that right before I lost my job and everything came crashing down and it must have been devine intervention ebcause literally a few weeks after I felt a strong desir to come back home (bc deep down it felt like something bad was going to happen) I lost my job. SO here I sit in my childhood room (its pretty big which is a good thing) and just hating it. I decided that while I change these other aspects of my life- speaking up more, making a career change etc I should change the homespace I come home to every day. I decided to get rid of my old out dated l-shaped desk that is taking up alot of space in my room. I decided to purge my closet and draws of old colothes and things I dont wear anymore but was holding onto because someone had given them to me and I didnt want to seem ungrateful (screw that!), I decided to get rid of furniture, drapes, carpet, electronics....honestly by thte time I am done this room is going to look incredibly different. And I am so excited about it. It makes me happy. These changes are making me happy and I am going to continue to do them to continue to make myself happy!

I think thats my theme right now. My happiness-1 step at a time!

Inevitable Accident

Its not lie that I had been having a rough few weeks. Things at my job was just not what I wanted it to be and it had me feeling depressed and feeling like I didnt know what to do. So I came home, prayed and watched LoveBScott on youtube and felt inspired. I decided then to practice his advice and walk and live in my Truth, be happy and not let anyone take that away. The next day I got into my car and travelled to work as I always do. For those who know me persoanlly know tht I have a brand new car just turned 1 years old. A dump truck slammed into the back of a car and we all slammed on our brakes. I stopped but the guy behind me didnt and he hit me. By the grace of God I was able to walk away and my car sustained very little damage but my back and shoulders werent so lucky. My muscles are sore. Even As I type this I am sore.

But God is good. It could have been much worse. At first I kept replaying it in my mind wondering if there was something I could have done differently, maybe left earlier or what but in reality there wasnt. So I stopped blaming myself and I am now going to focus on MYSELF for a change. I refuse to lift anything but most importantly I am going to do things that make me happy and one of those things is blogging with you guys. I was locked out of my hotmail account-AGAIN and coudlnt reset my password because I was locked out of blogger but now that its sorted out I will be making an effor to get back on here more often!

Hugs and kisses guys.

Love you all and until next time....I'm gonna go rest my back and shoulders!

Everything happens for a reason.

Ther is a time for smiling, a time for laughing, a time for crying and time to hear the truth.

I think that time is now.

I have a fmaily member that likes to talk. Everything that happens they are the first person to pick up the phone and call sister so and so and tell them yet they wont tell the person they are upset with. Then when sunday morning rolls around they act like nothing was said and sister so adn so looks at you with the hmm hmm look.

Typical church drama. I dont like drama yet this person does. They revel in epoepl thinking they are a victim and you are evil. I think they do this because deep down they are evil themselves and want todeflect the attention away from themselves and onto the other person.

As I type this I am thinking how childish this all is.

My point for typing this is this:

I dont like drama anmd I dont like mix up yet I found out today that people whom I nievely trusted at atime when I was most vulnerble and offered themselves as a shoulder to lean on were the same epople who brought my name back.

I think I'm mad at myself more then anything because I was warned but I didnt listen because I didnt want to beleive that the epople who presented themselves as one way were the exact opposte. What gets me is these are the same people who coninuted to smile and now half smile in my face every sunday.

So the question comes well why do you still go to that church. That church always gives warnings about stayingunder the rim of God so that his protection will be upon you and I believed that I was getting that at this church. I went in priased the Lord, read the bible and said hellos and goodbyes not knowing that i was surrounded by people casting a judgmental eye on me because of what this person has said. I think it all makes sense now. The distancing, the weird looks. This person who spread these lies about me did it because everyone looked at me favorably as the girl who has a good head on her shoulders, the girl who is polite and is a good girl and they didnt like it so they worked hard to create scenarios and situations behind the scenes to tarnish that image. So now I walk in thinking everything is ok when in reality it is not. In reality I am slandered before my car is even in park, I am judged and my image is turned upside down the moment they cast eyes on me and this person who did it is now seen as the victim when they are they perpetrator.

This is why I dont like going to Caribbean churches and I dont like being around too many Jamaicans because this is what happens.

*Sigh*

I have been struggling a little bit lately. I wont lie its been a rough 2 months. Its like everything feel down when Hazel died and I dont know why its affected me like this. Actually I do. Its made merealize that life is oto short. I want to do what make sme happy but at the same time I am accountable because I have financial responsibilities.

This is hard. Pleas ebear with me as I go through this process. I know I might confuse ou and I apologize its just me trying to sort it all out!

Hello!

So here I am 13 days later. I planned to come here and post but I was in the middle of my stay-cation so I didnt have a moment to come here. I'm sorry. I will come here tommarow and tell you all about my stay-cation, and the adventurous time I had :)

I'm back

Hello everyone

its been a long time. Last time I posted it was to say that someone whom I loved died suddenly and I honestly didnt know how to deal with it because it was unexpected. She was the last person I expected to die and the worse part was I didnt even get a chance to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I didnt think it would hurt me so bad and I would internalize it but I did. I dont deal well with death and up until that point didnt have to deal with it so I rightfully didnt deal as well as I invisioned I would. But I am back

I see life differently now. Anyone of us can be here today and gone tommarow. SO many things can happen in a day, a week, a month nothing is absolute.

I havent really talked to anyone too much about it. I talked to my bf and even though he encouraged me to keep talking I didnt. Not because I didnt want to but I think I pushed it down so far that I "forgot" about it. But to be honest it was always there and it came out in other ways such as anger, frustration, sadness, fear, insecurities and anxiety.

I'm working on it. I think my bf has felt the brunt of it followed close by my mother. I just feel ike I have no patience and lately it has been so hard to contain my anger when something pisses me off. But those ar ethe negatives.

The positives is I am on this get fit and tone up thing and though I havent been to the gym (well bfore last week) in a month I havent gained much weight back at all. I think I gained perhaps at most 5 Lbs and 1 to 2 inches of what I lost. I am on a mission to tone up and drop a pant size from a size 8 to a size 7.

Another positive is I paid off my VISA bill

Another is I had my student loan payments lowered to something managable.

I've also closed 1 bank account eliminating excess fees and opened a tax free, no fee savings account that I cant access from my debit card.

I'm organizing a spa day and I am doing things to make me happy.

Today is the first day but I am on track-God is with me.

Sorry for being MIA for so long. I missed coming here and it feels good to be back.

Love you all. Till tommarow :)

She Died....and I'm so hurt

Hi Everyone

At around 3 am this morning a lady who was like a 2nd mother to me died in her sleep.

She was the most real, down to earth woman I've ever known and I am not taking this very well at all.

I was very excited to come on here and tell you guys about all the happenings and funny moments of this week then at 6:10 pm I get the phone call that took all of that away.

RIP Hazel Jackson

I know she doesnt want anyone to cry for her but I cant help it. I just cant....