Weight!!!

Hey everyone!

I wanted to talk about my weight journey today. I know I said I would talk about some other things but I'm tired (a reoccuring theme these days) and I am ready for bed so I am hoping to make this short but very sweet.

I joined the gym about a month ago with the goal in mind to lose 10 punds by Caribana. Problem is I joined 2 weeks before and there was no way I was going to lose 10 pounds by then si I focused on living healthy and making healthy choices. Now this is hard for me because I have a few vices that I love

1. juice

2. eating out

3. quick convenienent easy food i.e junk- chips, bagels, kit kats....I could go on!!

KNowing all of this I had to make a drastic choice; keep eating poorly and watch myself gain weight or stop it and live healthier. I chose the latter.

I weighed in at 170 pounds. I'm putting my weight out there because a) I'm tall so 170 on me looks about 25 pounds lighter and b) I'm not ashamed. I look damn good at this weight BUT its not me. I am used to being a good 20 to 25 pounds lighter. Alot of people cant imagine me at that weight (they think its annoerxic on me) but just 5 years ago thats what I weighed and I was healthy with hips, bum and all.

Well thats where I want to be again.

So I have begun to go to the gym 5 days a week for 2 hours a day. I do a mix of cardio and weights. So far so good I am dropping inches BUT I still have a ways to go. 3.5 weeks is not enough to say that I am now cured of my weight lose issues and am on my way to being "happy" and slim. Thats nott the case. I'm impatient and I want to be thinner NOW!!!! I have toa ccept my body is nto like that. Last week I went to the gym only twice and this week only once. I had alot of things to do after work so I had to do what I had to do to take care of things but I am going back tommarow!!! I'm excited. I wanted to do ZUMBA but I wont be at that gym so I guess I will just have to settle for a small rinky dink gym. Good thing its just for a day.

Good part:

I've lost inches off my hips and 1 off my waist.

Bad part:

My bum is virtually gone!!

Good part:

my pants fit looser and my target skirt and pants are on their way to being zipped up with ease

Bad part:

I still like snacking and I have to reduce bread to once a week and sweets to NONE a week. But this damn hunger keeps putting all sorts of ideas in my head----sigh!!! I'm gonna fight it though.

I'm trying to make healthier eating choices, taking care of my skin and hair! I'm trying ya'll!

I watched a YouTube video where AndreasChoice talked about her weight lose regimen and she said she drinks alot of water-I'm talking baout a bottle before breakfast, lunch and dinner and she doesnt eat past 5pm. I finish work at 5 so thats not good for me. I think my cut off time will be 8 pm instead and I think I'm going to try the bottle before lunch thing. What do you guys think??

My boyfriend is working out with me too. I see the results but he is feeling discouraged because like me he wants to be at his goal size NOW! He is making progress. I think for his target area he really needs to focus on that s much as he does the weight training. Right now there is no part of his regimen dedicated to that area. Its all cardio and weights. He is changing that this week. Once he incorporates it for at least 3-4 weeks he will start to see a big difference.

I plan to do 30 mins cardio, 15 mins abs then 15 mins cardio. Then 15 mins weights training. I dont want to bulk up, I just want to create long lean muscle. Any suggestions???

Feel free to post a reply comment and let me know what you think

Night for now :)

You Brighten my Day!

Hey everyone!

One of my pet peeves is drivers who install those super bright HID headlights into what I consider crappy older cars such as old civics, accords, maxima's etc. So I was driving home 2 nights ago and got a unexpected treat. There was an driver with Texas plates rolling down the street in his vehicle with HID headlights. Granted his was a newer car so I cant really say he installed them or that they were manufacturer but nonethelss he had them. Right behind him was a guy who installed his lights and they were lighting up the American drivers car interior. I laughed so hard because now he knows what it feels like when he pulls up behind someone. I could tell it was bothering him because he was looking up at his rearview mirror squinting and sitting more to the left in his seat! PERFECT!!!

I loved it.

K, I'm oOff to bed.

My next post will be about the black communities dirty little secrets, my boyfriend and confidence in myself.

Night :)

Baby Mama Drama

So I went to wash some clothes yesterday and a Jamaican lady with a thick accent was in the laundromat with her toddler son. I brought a book with me bc I just bought it the day before and was super eager to get down and read it when she started up a convo with me.

Man she is super bitter about her situation and when she tells it you can see why. She doesnt have a good relationship with her family so she is raising her son on her own without their support (I suspect there is a back story on that but I didnt ask-I just let her talk), ontop of that her baby father wants nothing to do with her bc she took him to court. He doesnt come by to see their son and has hung up the phone on him (he is 2) when she dialed his number and put their son on the phone. She kept telling me over and over again not to have kids that her son is super clingy and if she leaves him with anyone to go somewhere he wont eat; he'll just sit and cry. She seemed super stressed out. Hearing her story you could see why. But what caught my attention more was how she treated her son. While she was talking to me she had a can of sprite in her hand and everytime he reached for it she would brush his hand away without even looking at him. She just kept talking. If he whined for candy she would kinda yell at him and tell him no. SHe even told me when he asks for his daddy she gets mad and tells him he doesnt have a "f'n daddy". Poor her and that child.

I dont want that to be me. I know she loves him but at the same time she seems stretched to the max. She did about 3 loads of laundry for $1.50 each and two dryers for 75 cents each; thats a total of $6 but for a single mom that is alot of money.

Poor her, I pray for her and her son.

What a day...what a day!!

I went to the pool party and I gotta say I had alot of fun!

My bf talked to his uncle and he agreed to tone it down. I saw him and he was nice and he joked but it was nothing like what he used to say. I invited my cousins and they rbougt friends and it was really nice. Iloved having them there. Family is really important to me anmd I loved having them there. We plan on doing it again long weekend so hopefully they can come again! I really hope they can! I really, really do!!

Double kisses!

Vent part 2

I would be remiss if I didnt say I had alot on my mind at 12:38 am in the morning.

I want to go to sleep but deep down I feel compelled to come on here and share my feelings and thoughts. I think what I feel (especially since I have a tendency to bottle it up and become angry I like to smile I really do) and think is important and since this blog helps me to "free my mind" thats what I plan to do tonight.

Today was a hectic day. I woke up made a few phone calls then packed up my mother in my car and we hit the road to start my errand filled day. I'm proud to say I got everything done on my mental list despite the +30 degree weather. It was so hot today. I was sweating before I even left the driveway and thats after coming fresh out of the shower.

Originally the plan was to get the errands done then attend my brothers get together but when I got home I was hot and tired and really didnt want to go. Luckily my bf felt the same and was nearby at his grandmothers house so after swinging by to pick him up we decided to stay. Its funny, as I spoke to him in the car (we left briefly to get gas) and I remarked that I wanted to stay at his grandmothers house and not go to my brothers there was a part of me that didnt want to stay because his uncle would be there.

His uncle is one of those people who is rude with no apology type of person who often says outragious, sarcastic things and plays it off as a joke just because he can. I am a controlled person. I am cognisant of my words and actions and how I present myself. This makes me a perfect target. My lips dont say anything but my eyes do and he takes this as a green light to say whatever he wants including racist things (his uncle is Indian in case no one knew). About 2 months ago he went through a break up with his then girlfriend. I was looking forward to going downtown with my bf when his uncle suggested we go down to the beaches. I thought he was just saying it till my bf asked if I was cool with going. I thought ok its a plan but deep down I didnt really want to go. Looking back on it I should have said something but I kinda felt a bit put on he spot so I agreed. No one was forcing me so in hindsight I should have just told my bf I wanted to go downtown just the two of us. Well, the say no good deed goes unpunished and that day I learned it the hard way.

Sara has a great inter-racial blog and this weeks entry was about women listening to their gut feelings. 6 weeks ago deep down I had a feeling that I should of spoke up and found a way to say no without coming off as the bad guy but I didnt and I regretted it as I sat across the table from his uncle while he spewed jokes that contained phrases like, "You tall african zulu woman", as he asked me "where's my spear" and "if I was going to spear him" because he could see on my face that Ididnt like what he was saying. He said many other things and I looked over at my bf who said nothing as it went on. The look on his face clearly told me he didnt like it and was uncomfortable but that was about it. He didnt firmly put him in his place and tell him to stop it or we were leaving. He only said, "ok thats enough". When I began gripping my bottle of corona completely unaware that I was doing it my bf gently pryed my fingers from around it and told me calm down and dont worry. I turned and whispered he is making me mad.

Practically the entire time we sat at the table to eat he insulted me. It got to the point where I had to concentrate on my food bc I was so damn mad that my appetite left me. You ever been that mad? Like you were hungry then someone just pissed you off so bad that you didnt feel hungry anymore even though 2 seconds before you were? A few times throughout the dinner I almost got up and left.

I dont think I should have to feel that way. But like true ME fashion what did I do?? Forgave and told myself I'd let it go. I complained to my bf and he told me he would talk to him. I honestly dont know if he did or didnt. I understand its family and sometimes its hard to say something but shit.....it wasnt even one or two jokes (too many if its making the other person feel uncomfortable) it was a whole dinner???

I told myself it was behind me but deep down I began resenting his uncle.

Fast forward to this afternoon, and I walk in to the back yard. His uncle is there and goes, "Oh here comes the bitch" I took a deep breath. I came there for my bf not him so I ignored him as best as I could. His mom noticed that I didnt like it and she goes, "you shouldnt take him on". I replied, "I know jokes around but sometimes I really dont like some of the things he has to say".

Its his birthday get together tommarow and honestly I dont want to go. Not because its not going to be fun and not because of my bf but his uncle. I hated sitting there and being attacked but its my fault too. My parents taught me a long time ago that if I am uncomfortable in a situation leave! If I cant find my way home my dad will come get me. What was my excuse that day?? I had my own car with enough gas to get me home no problem yet I stayed. Why did I stay??? I stayed because I told myself I would ignore him and enjoy being down there, I stayed because I didnt want to create tension and I stayed because I didnt want to seem like I couldnt take a joke even though that joke made me uncomfortable. I'm so mad at myself for staying in that situation for all the wrong reasons when everything inside of me screamed leave and go home. I didnt even plan to be down there yet I went to be nice and look what nice got me??

The only reason I'm going tommarow is for my bf and I also want to see his aunts new baby but honestly Im already thinking of ways to leave at the first chance I get which probably wont be till much later in the evening.

I share this here because I cant even breathe a word of this to my mother who already doesnt like my bf and even worse doesnt like Indian people. She thinks I abandoned her for my "new family" when that was never the case. The silent " I told you so" and smug air of vindication would be THICK! I dont even want to think about it. I cant even tell my dad....or worse my uncle who is very pro black. The firestorm that would be created .....its beyond my imagine right now because it would be that bad. Its to the point where I hesitate to bring my friends around him for any of his get togethers for fear that he will embarass me and offend them. Then they would look at me with eyes that wondered why I, such a strong pro advocate type person sits and says nothing while I am being insulted. Jokes are jokes but when they get to the point of this....

Before I go to bed...I want to tell you what my bf did yesterday!

SO my workouts (dragging myself is seeming to show results) seem to be showing nicely on me. My legs are smaller, my booty is firmer and higher (but less volume...it saddens me but not sure if I'm sadder than my bf) and my tummy is getting flatter. Now I wasnt fat by no means but I want to tone and be trimmer.

Ok fast forward to yesterday and I am walking with my bf after lunch. As we walk up the street cars are honking and guys are hanging their heads out smiling at me (I'm cute what can I say??).

One guy was about to honk and he saw my bf turn to look at him. Now this part is 2nd hand to me bc I was busy talking and not paying attention. My bf says when the guy looked at him my bf sticks his middle finger up, sticks out his tonue at him and with his free hand pretens dot rub my bum and pat it. Dude drove away. Honestly when he told me after I laughed bc my bf is a big kid and I know he doesnt like when guys do that, he just doesnt show it to me.

Anyway, just wanted to post that before I go in to bed because it popped into my head and I had a little bit of a laugh about it.

Work, Work, Work

*sigh*

Its fiscal year end and its so hard to start this new position at such a busy time. I'm tired everytime I come home. I go to the gym to work out but honestly some days I dont even want to go bc I feel like I have a sleep deficit. I woke up today put my gym clothes together and went to work but when my day was done and I was waiting for my bf so I coud drop him to his uncles house I just wanted to sleep. I didnt want to go work out. The only thing that made me go ahead was Zumba class. My excitment to do it was more then my tiredness so it made me want to go so BAD!

Then stupid hit. I have asthma and I left my inhaler in my room. Doing weights makes my asthma act up so could you imagine being in a dance studio with about 30 other people sweating it out to salsa, merengue and samba???? Nope, I like living so as much as it hurt I decided not to go. As tired as I was, I would have still dragged my ass there just to do that class! Friday is the next one and I think I'm gonna go do it bc I REALLY want to go. I hear so many great things about that class. I get home after 8L30 pm put my chicken on and sit and wait. It burns I throw in water and pray I dont taste it when its finally done. Well lucky me it didnt taste burned so I gobbled it down as my phone rang. I talked to the person on the line, bb'd my bf who went to the gym (I drove him) then just as I decided to get up wash the dishes make my lunch adn iron my shirt my phone rings. I talk to my bf. He cuts me off bc his phone is gonna die. I iron my shirt then come here to blog! Great times.

I think I'm stressed again and I dont like it.

BTW, I found my inhaler chilling nicely on my dresser beside my lotion and AVeno mositurizer. Smart me! Yes, I'm SOOO Smart!

I'm going to bed!!!!!

Vent 1

I had a dream the other night and I knew that it meant trouble was on the way. Unfortunatly it came in the form of my mother and the same issues with her again and again. When she gets depressed and frustated I am the one she takes it out on and I'm tired of it. She is such a angry person that she has managed to isolate herself from family, friends and people who love and care about her. She has been in and out of depression for years and years and its the same old same old with her. She is irrational and holds things inside forming her own version of the truth and she will work herself up into her own reality that often times is the exact opposite of what really is happening. SHe does it time and time again and doesnt learn from her mistakes when she finds out she was upset for NOTHING and dreamed up some nonsense that never existed to begin with. If the nonsense was confined to her head only it would be one thing but she lets it out inthe way she treats other people and alienates and severes good relationships for nothing at all. I really cant stand it. She has a hard time listening to anyone but herself. She loves to play the victim so she can gain sympathy and sit and feel sorry for herself when the past has proven that when things get bad financially she someway somehow pulls through and is ok.she doesnt seem to remember those times unfortunaltly.

I want to move out. Originally I left because she kicked me out bc she didnt like my boyfriend and wanted me to leave him. If I tell all the shit she did before hand it would fill this whole blog and I'd have to start a new one. It took a while to get used to being out of her house but I look back on it and it was a blessing. I moved back late last year to help her bc she was sick and apologized profusely asking me to come back. She still doesnt like my boyfriend and has made no effort to get to know him or even talk to him. That scenario is more then I care to get into bc I am honestly very tired of that too. I've given up for my sanity sake because trying to break down those walls was taking too much out of me.

2 nights ago she said something to me that really hurt my feelings but not in the way that I wanted to cry more like gave me the answers I needed to finally begin to distance myself emotionally from her. For those who know my mother she has always been a very bitter, negative and angry person who would try to control me and everyone around her. It bolew up in her face las year but I guess she doesnt remember that. I see she is back on her I can take care of myself I dont need you high horse. Thats fine. Right now I'm focusing on getting myself in a financial position to move out and stay out. This recession has been more then difficult on alot of people and I am no exception. I have always maintained my independence and pay my own bills and take care of myself without asking anyone for help. My thinking was if I dont have the money to do it I either have to wait till I do or save till I can. That hasnt changed but my income to do so has so in response I am adapting to it in order to make the same result true.

SOrry I havent posted, this is not like me but honestly I have alot going on. I love blogging even if I am the ony one to read it because its kinda like my space to vent nad feel better. I've been carrying this around or two days (too long in my opinion) and its time I let it out.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for my next entry of the night

Money.....Recession and Making it through!

Oh man. What a weekend. I get paid friday only to have to pay more money then I thought I would for expenses I didnt plan for. But they say nothing doesnt happen for a reason. I've decided to use cash more then debit when I make a purchase so I can keep track of my expenses and bring my debt down.

I think I did well for myself today. I bring my clothes over to the laundromat since the machines there actually cleans your clothes. BUT you pay a bigger rpice then if I brought them downstairs to the building laundrymat. Anyway, the laundromat across the way has some $1.50 machines that I didnt use in the past bc I thought I was balling. I would go to the $3.25 machines instead. Well today I decided to do the $1,50 ones and I ended up washing and drying 3 loads of clothes for $6.50! I saved $7 bucks in my pocket!

I'm shaking my head right now bc the news reported 2 weeks ago wednesday that Bank of Canada declared the recession was now over. Yet when the jobless numbers for July came out they had not changed since the ones for June. So, the question asks...is this recession really over? Or is The BOC declaring it over to trick the public into thinking its safe to spend more money because let me tell you we are no fool. I was in the supermarket saturday and overheard a few peope int eh line after I checked out making sure they got the most for their money. One man even exchanged his case of water for a cheaper one bc he saw ones on sale at the cash. I dont blame him why not? Another lady argued with her daughter that they couldnt afford to buy some desert thing she wanted and she would have to wait till next time bc she didnt have the money.

Recession over huh??

I think our government should give us way more credit for being smarter then they think we are instead of declaring fake good news that our naked eyes see is clearly not the case. No one is taking their declaration as a indication that its safe to spend more then we need to. I know Ive really tightened up my budget in an effor to save alot more money. Today I went to buy eyeliner and lashes that I ran out of 2 months ago and when I saw the bill I made the lady refund my money (the ones I picked up were labeled on sale but actually werent) and asked her supervisior to refund my optimum points ($10 worth) so I could use them another time. Her commission wasnt much and I could see she didnt like that but I dont care. I only care about what I spent out of pocket today and being concious of where my money is going not her commision.

Till we talk again next time. Goodnight all!

Money,Money, Money.......BUDGETING!!

I woke up today and the first thing on my mind was money! How I was going to not only pay my own bills but help others aswell and still not end up broke again for 2 weeks. Its not a nice feeling knowing you have $4.98 in the bank and you have no lunch for that day. It sucks big time so I felt pretty good when firday morning rolled around and I knew I got paid at midnight. But that joy was short lived. My plan for this month and every month here after is to live off cash. I ama debit-a-holic. Everything is debit this debit that I dont carry cash. I find that because I am so addicted to my debit card I lose track of my spending really easily.

Yesterday I took out $100 paid $30 for Gas and $1.39 on a KitKat because I was so hungry at that moment. We went to T.O.D and bought two souvlacki pitas for $10, thena gyros with drink and thai with drink. In all we spent $20 on food down there; I think that was an amazing deal! Like when was the last time two people ate twice and drank once for $20 total LOL?

SO I woke up this morning with $45 left thinking (shit I'm missing $5 that I cant remember and)what am I going to do with this money and oh...by the way I just remembered I have to do laundry...Sooooo there goes $10-$13. Minus about $10 from my $45 and it leaves $35. My food budget for the week is $160. So $35-$160 is $125. That means I have to go to the bank and take out $125 for food and get to shopping.

Man this cash budget thing is going to be hard and tedious because I'm so not used to doing things this way but I need to get a reign on my finances and be smarter with my money. I think if I can do this now then down the line when life throws me a curve ball (like it always tends to do) I will be able to stand through it and be flexible instead of bend to the point of almost breaking. Thats my goal to stand and not bend like I have been doing lately.

Hope this helps someone! Talk to you later :)

The Taste of Danforth

Tonight my bf and I went to the 16th annual Taste of Danforth; a two-day Greek festival. We both have never been to it so I was excited to not only go but experience it with my bf who had never gone as well. We got there and it was basically one big street festival of food, music, and live performances (among other small things like 2 mini volleyball courts and a small kiddie ride area). The line-ups were loooooonnnnnnng but with chicken souvlaki for $4 up to Kangaroo burgers for $4 one can see why. We didnt get to try the Kangaroo burger, much to my boyfriends sadness but we did eat chicken souvlaki on a pita, gyros and I had some thai. For 5 bucks I got chicken pad thai and a drink and there was ALOT of thai in that little bowl. Good food, good eats and a nice time!!

Besides the food there were sooooo many interracial couples. Bm/ww, BW/WM, BM/AW, AM/IW etc. It was really nice. I saw alot of white men with black women and their children tot he point where no one batted an eye at me or my bf or any of the other couples. It was really nice. I didnt feel stared at. BUT there were a few bm who would stare at me then look at my bf and back at me before they looked away again quickly. Oh well....I guess you cant win them all right?? Thats ok....I didnt care either way. I was enjoying the sights, sounds and people around me!

On the train ride home there was a homeless woman. Her clothes were modest and pretty clean looking but up close I could see they were not that clean. She didnt smell funny and her hair was kept in a loose borderline messy bun under a wide hat, but her eyes said she was sad, nervous and ashamed. She approached my bf and I and paused before asking quickly if we had any tokens that she could use. She clutched her chest as she spoke and I knew she was being sincere. I had none it was my bf's tokens that I used to get on the train. She walked away and moved onto some people behind us who mocked and laughed at her. She went and sat back to her original seat and put her head down only looking up at me for a brief moment before returning her gaze back to the floor. I watched as some young guys came on the train and she asked them twice before one gave her some of his change.

I looked at her and thought about how in this recession all of us on that train could easily end up like her and my heart went out to her. My bf noticed how I suddenly became quiet and asked what was wrong. I told him what I was thinking and he became quiet too. After a moment he asked me if I still had my change from earlier and I said yes. So I put together $5 and he pulled out 2 tokens and we decided that he would give it to her. My bf didnt give it to her right away but instead he got caught up in the conversation of the people behind as they critizied and mocked her. Sad part is she was sitting really close to them and easily overheard everything they said. As soon as the the next stop came she got up and ran off the train and down the platform. I saw the look on her face as she turned to look at them and she looked ashamed and sad.

I feel so bad. In fact we both felt so bad for her. I am on a really tight budget but I considered giving her my $20; half of my food money for the week just because I could see she needed it more than me. They called her a crack head and even asked how she could be begging (in hindsight even though Ididnt hear all of their onvo I did hear when they said that part before she bolted from the train). I've seen crack heads. In fact last week I seen 2 begging for money at the intersection to the gym I go to. Up until then I didnt know what a crack head looked like but seeing them itch and scartch themselves, be so figity and look around as if someone is calling them from different directions every 3 seconds was clear that they were on drugs. This woman was not. She was humble, and ashamed and those people mocking and judging her was disgusting.

I dont understand people like that. I wish she had stayed so we could give her the $5 and 2 tokens. Instead she is somewhere, anywhere right now possibly feeling sad and depressed because of a inconsiderate few. My bf felt bad for not getting up sooner to give it to her. I dont blame him he wanted to wait till the train stopped before he gave it to her. She was waiting till the train stopped so she could get away from those people. Its not his fault.

I'm going to pray for her.

Till we speak again everyone!

NO Holiday Monday for me!!!!

So this monday was a holiday for everyone BUT me. I was so mad that I had to work. The only good part is they ordered food, I was allowed to dress down adn bring my iPOD or MP3's player and I could play music at my desk. Then I find out that the cut off is 4 pm and we should aim to meet that deadline. SO there I am at 4:05 pm wondering why the manager didnt tell me this waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay earlier because now I am struggling to enter the last invoices and get my tail out of there!!!!!!

I was dreaming of going home by 3:30pm!I got home at 5 so happyto be home. But my day was far gone already. I couldnt go out anywhere and I started tuesday feeling cheated and mad that everyone else came into work rested and happy and I came in tired and bitter. LOL

DBR bw and bm's Part 1

**caution my post today is going to be controversial and may offend. If you dont like it feel free to exit off my page**

I just read Sara's blog today and I identified with so many points that I thought I'd blog and share my thoughts about it here. One of the phrases that she has used many times over is DBRbm's. Today she explored DBR bw's!

I'll explain what both are next.

What are DBR bw's and bm's??

DBRbw's and DBRbm stands for Damaged Beyond Repair black women and black men Now I'm black as well and proud of it but I cant deny that such people exist within the bc (black community) and not only do they exist they thrive on holding others back. I have experienced such people in my life which is one of the reasons why I dont have very many bw friends. I'm not your typical black female. I like eruo, dance, alternative, grime, garage, latino, and soca music. I can only stand dancehall in 2 minute doses and I'm growing a strong dislike for hip hop. I like to ice skate, play volleyball, and do things that are not labeled typically "black". I want to swim more, go hiking, go up north and stay at a cabin in December so I can go outside into the hot tub. I want to go skiing, eventually join a martial arts studio and do dance classes.

Because of this I am not exactly appealing to most black girls. I know this, I've been told this by black girls and I've come to accept it and be fine with it. Therefore I seek friends who are like me and usually those people dont share the same race as me because of it.

When I was younger I used to have a strong desire to fit in with my black peers. I want to be witty like them, out going like them, sharp and cleaver like them. I just wanted to fit in yet I didnt feel like I could. I was quiet and shy and my shyness made a target for being made fun off. I was tall and lanky, and my eyes were chinky so I was made fun off constantly for it. I wasnt as quick witted as they were so when I finally thought of something to answer back it just made it worse.

This weekend my bf and I decided to take a walk around his area. SO here we are in a mostly Indian neighbourhood walking side by side and at some points hand in hand when we suddenly find that we are the centre of attention. We had dirty looks from Indian men and Women. When we werent getting those we had whole families in cars staring us down. Sad I think. My bf noticed more then I did but when I did it was truely a shameful sight. I know that we are not the typical interracial couple since black male/white femal IR relationships are common but at the same time I dont think it warrents someone almost running off the road to stare.

The funny part is some of these Indians were as dark as me. But this post isnt necessrliy about DBRIm's or DBRIw since I dont know anything about that nor do I know if the title fits. But I do know about DBRbm and bw which brings me to the lone blak man walking along the path with us.

One thing I notice alot of is when a IR couple is walking down the street hateful people who dislike the union will try to walk through the to break their hand holding. I guess its their way of feeling good about "breaking them apart". I thought I was the only one who experienced this till I read about it happening to other bw in IR relationships or friendships. I turned around and saw this older black man walking briskly. We locked eyes and he looked at me so angry. I've seen that look before in the eyes of many black men young and old when they see me with my bf. That looks usually morphs into disgust then a accusatory stare of, "how could you??". So I turned back around and kept walking becuase I just didnt want to deal with that scenario all over again. Suddenly I felt like someone was right behind me so I turned around and there he was about 2 feet behind me looking as pissed off as ever. I stepped aside and let him walk around me since I could see he was aiming to walk right through us and I wasnt having that. He wasnt going to get that satisfaction. His shoulder brushed mine when he passed and he didnt turn around to look he just kept walking. Sad. This man could be my father, and as I watched him walk away I wondered if that really neccessary? I see hate and DBR's doesnt stop at a certain age.

I'm going to pause on my thoughts for a moment and think about how I'm going to word my next post. Till I post again.

Accounting 101

So I have been at this accounting thing for 2 weeks now and I can honestly say this is HARD!!

I am doing payables, cash recipts, petty cash and some JV's and its so hard to keep everything straight. Its practically overwelming. I want to make sure this is done right.

Its hard though...cant lie. But I'm determined to get the hang of it and master this. I'm determined!

its been so long...

So sorry that I have not been updating my blog. Its a combination of life getting in the way, keeping things inside and being tired when I get home.

I think the best way to catch up is to break my post up inot individual posts so I can share whats been going on in the past 2 weeks. Ready??

Ley we go!