I would be remiss if I didnt say I had alot on my mind at 12:38 am in the morning.
I want to go to sleep but deep down I feel compelled to come on here and share my feelings and thoughts. I think what I feel (especially since I have a tendency to bottle it up and become angry I like to smile I really do) and think is important and since this blog helps me to "free my mind" thats what I plan to do tonight.
Today was a hectic day. I woke up made a few phone calls then packed up my mother in my car and we hit the road to start my errand filled day. I'm proud to say I got everything done on my mental list despite the +30 degree weather. It was so hot today. I was sweating before I even left the driveway and thats after coming fresh out of the shower.
Originally the plan was to get the errands done then attend my brothers get together but when I got home I was hot and tired and really didnt want to go. Luckily my bf felt the same and was nearby at his grandmothers house so after swinging by to pick him up we decided to stay. Its funny, as I spoke to him in the car (we left briefly to get gas) and I remarked that I wanted to stay at his grandmothers house and not go to my brothers there was a part of me that didnt want to stay because his uncle would be there.
His uncle is one of those people who is rude with no apology type of person who often says outragious, sarcastic things and plays it off as a joke just because he can. I am a controlled person. I am cognisant of my words and actions and how I present myself. This makes me a perfect target. My lips dont say anything but my eyes do and he takes this as a green light to say whatever he wants including racist things (his uncle is Indian in case no one knew). About 2 months ago he went through a break up with his then girlfriend. I was looking forward to going downtown with my bf when his uncle suggested we go down to the beaches. I thought he was just saying it till my bf asked if I was cool with going. I thought ok its a plan but deep down I didnt really want to go. Looking back on it I should have said something but I kinda felt a bit put on he spot so I agreed. No one was forcing me so in hindsight I should have just told my bf I wanted to go downtown just the two of us. Well, the say no good deed goes unpunished and that day I learned it the hard way.
Sara has a great inter-racial blog and this weeks entry was about women listening to their gut feelings. 6 weeks ago deep down I had a feeling that I should of spoke up and found a way to say no without coming off as the bad guy but I didnt and I regretted it as I sat across the table from his uncle while he spewed jokes that contained phrases like, "You tall african zulu woman", as he asked me "where's my spear" and "if I was going to spear him" because he could see on my face that Ididnt like what he was saying. He said many other things and I looked over at my bf who said nothing as it went on. The look on his face clearly told me he didnt like it and was uncomfortable but that was about it. He didnt firmly put him in his place and tell him to stop it or we were leaving. He only said, "ok thats enough". When I began gripping my bottle of corona completely unaware that I was doing it my bf gently pryed my fingers from around it and told me calm down and dont worry. I turned and whispered he is making me mad.
Practically the entire time we sat at the table to eat he insulted me. It got to the point where I had to concentrate on my food bc I was so damn mad that my appetite left me. You ever been that mad? Like you were hungry then someone just pissed you off so bad that you didnt feel hungry anymore even though 2 seconds before you were? A few times throughout the dinner I almost got up and left.
I dont think I should have to feel that way. But like true ME fashion what did I do?? Forgave and told myself I'd let it go. I complained to my bf and he told me he would talk to him. I honestly dont know if he did or didnt. I understand its family and sometimes its hard to say something but shit.....it wasnt even one or two jokes (too many if its making the other person feel uncomfortable) it was a whole dinner???
I told myself it was behind me but deep down I began resenting his uncle.
Fast forward to this afternoon, and I walk in to the back yard. His uncle is there and goes, "Oh here comes the bitch" I took a deep breath. I came there for my bf not him so I ignored him as best as I could. His mom noticed that I didnt like it and she goes, "you shouldnt take him on". I replied, "I know jokes around but sometimes I really dont like some of the things he has to say".
Its his birthday get together tommarow and honestly I dont want to go. Not because its not going to be fun and not because of my bf but his uncle. I hated sitting there and being attacked but its my fault too. My parents taught me a long time ago that if I am uncomfortable in a situation leave! If I cant find my way home my dad will come get me. What was my excuse that day?? I had my own car with enough gas to get me home no problem yet I stayed. Why did I stay??? I stayed because I told myself I would ignore him and enjoy being down there, I stayed because I didnt want to create tension and I stayed because I didnt want to seem like I couldnt take a joke even though that joke made me uncomfortable. I'm so mad at myself for staying in that situation for all the wrong reasons when everything inside of me screamed leave and go home. I didnt even plan to be down there yet I went to be nice and look what nice got me??
The only reason I'm going tommarow is for my bf and I also want to see his aunts new baby but honestly Im already thinking of ways to leave at the first chance I get which probably wont be till much later in the evening.
I share this here because I cant even breathe a word of this to my mother who already doesnt like my bf and even worse doesnt like Indian people. She thinks I abandoned her for my "new family" when that was never the case. The silent " I told you so" and smug air of vindication would be THICK! I dont even want to think about it. I cant even tell my dad....or worse my uncle who is very pro black. The firestorm that would be created .....its beyond my imagine right now because it would be that bad. Its to the point where I hesitate to bring my friends around him for any of his get togethers for fear that he will embarass me and offend them. Then they would look at me with eyes that wondered why I, such a strong pro advocate type person sits and says nothing while I am being insulted. Jokes are jokes but when they get to the point of this....
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