Vent 1

I had a dream the other night and I knew that it meant trouble was on the way. Unfortunatly it came in the form of my mother and the same issues with her again and again. When she gets depressed and frustated I am the one she takes it out on and I'm tired of it. She is such a angry person that she has managed to isolate herself from family, friends and people who love and care about her. She has been in and out of depression for years and years and its the same old same old with her. She is irrational and holds things inside forming her own version of the truth and she will work herself up into her own reality that often times is the exact opposite of what really is happening. SHe does it time and time again and doesnt learn from her mistakes when she finds out she was upset for NOTHING and dreamed up some nonsense that never existed to begin with. If the nonsense was confined to her head only it would be one thing but she lets it out inthe way she treats other people and alienates and severes good relationships for nothing at all. I really cant stand it. She has a hard time listening to anyone but herself. She loves to play the victim so she can gain sympathy and sit and feel sorry for herself when the past has proven that when things get bad financially she someway somehow pulls through and is ok.she doesnt seem to remember those times unfortunaltly.

I want to move out. Originally I left because she kicked me out bc she didnt like my boyfriend and wanted me to leave him. If I tell all the shit she did before hand it would fill this whole blog and I'd have to start a new one. It took a while to get used to being out of her house but I look back on it and it was a blessing. I moved back late last year to help her bc she was sick and apologized profusely asking me to come back. She still doesnt like my boyfriend and has made no effort to get to know him or even talk to him. That scenario is more then I care to get into bc I am honestly very tired of that too. I've given up for my sanity sake because trying to break down those walls was taking too much out of me.

2 nights ago she said something to me that really hurt my feelings but not in the way that I wanted to cry more like gave me the answers I needed to finally begin to distance myself emotionally from her. For those who know my mother she has always been a very bitter, negative and angry person who would try to control me and everyone around her. It bolew up in her face las year but I guess she doesnt remember that. I see she is back on her I can take care of myself I dont need you high horse. Thats fine. Right now I'm focusing on getting myself in a financial position to move out and stay out. This recession has been more then difficult on alot of people and I am no exception. I have always maintained my independence and pay my own bills and take care of myself without asking anyone for help. My thinking was if I dont have the money to do it I either have to wait till I do or save till I can. That hasnt changed but my income to do so has so in response I am adapting to it in order to make the same result true.

SOrry I havent posted, this is not like me but honestly I have alot going on. I love blogging even if I am the ony one to read it because its kinda like my space to vent nad feel better. I've been carrying this around or two days (too long in my opinion) and its time I let it out.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for my next entry of the night