SO tuesday night I thought about making a second post but my eyes were puffy from crying and my body was tired so I went to bed. I loved Michael but not enough to bring on such a response. So what made me cry like that? A friend. These past few weeks have been hard for me. I've been depressed and sad alot and quite frankly I didnt feel like myself at all. I struggled to even smile let alone speak sometimes. Apparently in my cloud of depression her birthday passed and I didnt call her. My bad, if the circumstances were different I gurantee you I would have called. But I was caught up in my own sadness and clouds of emotions that it came and went and I didnt even realize.
Then someone we know died July 1st. I found out on facebook and in my disbelief I scanned the friends list found someone I knew and messaged them asking if it was the same guy that my friend knew. She didnt reply; instead she told my friend that I asked her. Interesting. My intentions were not malicious. In fact, I had been wondering why it was that if I didnt call my friend she didnt call me. But I guess it was because she was upset that I didnt call her for her birthday.
A little background info: She and I have had a up and down friendship. In university I often felt like the fall back friend. My major was time consuming and I couldnt go out with her as much as I would have liked to go out as much as she could but I couldnt. We talked about it but nothing really happened then we stopped talking and started again on my effort. Then I became the mall friend. Its so stupid and complicated that I dont even want to type it all. Its mentally and physically exhausting.
Now she is upset. I apologized, I explained I called, I even called her today at work to see how she was doing. SHe sounded distant. I tried to tell myself that it has to do with her aunt being very sick and her trying to deal with that guys death but ... she doesnt talk to me the same. Shes distant, cold. I told her about my recent promotion (I'll blog about that in the next entry) and she paused like she was shocked at my new title then goes, "oh". SO I explain my title (why do I have to explain really??) shouldnt you just be happy that I am in a better position then I was in before?? I had to explain before she said, "Oh thats good. I'm happy for you". Wow! I sat on the phone and asked myself why I bothered to call her after my text asking how she was feeling went unanswered for almost 2 hours. Then I answered myself with one word: guilt! Guilt made me call her because I felt guilty for not calling her on her birthday and making her think that I was angry at her when I asked her friend about the death. Truth of the matter is I was depressed...very depressed. Nothing else. SO why should I feel guilty about that?? Its like my good news is being tainted by all these other bad outside things.
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