So these past few days I have been not feeling too much like myself. So like the true capricorn that I am I decided to go introvertly and assess why and figure it out.
I think I have narrowed it down to a few points that I'd like to put on my list of things to
Breathe, Stretch, Shake and let them go! I need to do this because its getting ridiculous. I am holding it all inside and its getting the best of me.
Friends:
I had a friend that I really enjoyed her company. But busy schedules leave no time for much interaction and I think there is now some resentment about that. She has her own friends that she hangs out with and sometimes I feel jealous because I'm not really included in that. And I understand to some extent why we are both busy and she has her own friends. I know some of the girls she hangs out with but we arent I guess cool on that level. Its probably more of a we know of each other but thats it type of thing. It makes me feel left out a little bit because they go and do really fun girly stuff together. Even before I had a bf they would go out and do cool stuff and it made me feel left out and just in one category. I'd even say to my friend hey, I'd love to come with you guys but the invitation was never extended back to me so I enventually dropped it and stopped "asking". I want a friend that I can hang out with all the time not someone that I can only do certain things with then anything else thats really fun I'm not included in. And thats how she makes me feel. So I guess my "busyness" has a bit to do with that; feeling tired of being in one category-the mall friend.
I touched on this in a earlier blog and I really think it made me feel better because I decided from that point to be my own friend and do things to make me happy. I got my nails and feet done. I'm trying to get my lashes and eye brows done. I also want to go buy some make up. I still miss having a gf to go out with but I'm trying to push that out of my head and just accept that right now the party of 3 will include me, myself and I.
A Mother's Approval
Its no secret among those who know me that my mother doesnt like my boyfriend. My mother has been a very over protective person all my life. I'm her only child and she is scared to lose me. When my bf and I were friends I introduced her to him and she didnt seem to happy to meet him....in fact it was a bit of indifference. A few weeks later he and I became bf and gf and I told her about it and she was pretty upset to say the least. At that point he had been coming to my church and everyone liked him and was happy that he was there. She made it clear she didnt like him there much to everyones confusion. When asked why she says, "my spirit doesnt take him" and that she doesnt like Indian people. My bf isnt full indian, only half but in her eyes it doesnt matter.
Long story short (I dont care to get into details with in this post) the whole situation went from bad to worse more than anyone could imagine. Synopsis: she ended up throwing me out, calling me a whore, packing my shit up (or throwing it out the closet whatever you want to call it) and attacking me. It was senseless and to this day I dont understand why it all happened. The police got involved and I ended up moving out for 6 months.
To say the least there is alot of resentment between them. She refuses to talk to him more than hi and bye and he is at the point that he doesnt even want to come to my house. Messed up shit huh?? I keep it all inside, and tell myself that one day it will all change but I just have to keep trying to get them talking. I have expressed how their decisions makes me feel but they both hold fast to their side (aka stubborness) and it leaves me in the middle wondering what to do, wishing it would all just be so different. I cant do this anymore.
It makes me jealous to see other people in relationships with siginifcant others who are welcomed into their home with no issues. I know not everyone has this luxury but I feel at my age this is just a bit passed ridiculous. She needs to let go and realize I am an adult who can and will make her own decisions. Getting vex, holding malice and being rude is not going to make me do what she wants. Sometimes this whole situation makes me want to give up. I just want to put it out there that I refuse to let go of my relationship. Its just not going to happen so she either has to get over it or give in.
So I have made a second decision that I'm sure neither of them will like (if she even cares) but at this point I have to do what makes me happy. I'm going to, for my own sanity not bother with trying to reconcile them. If they want to be stubborn and not resolve their issues then fine. I have done everything I can and I cant keep feeling bad and worrying about something that I cannot control. I feel like I have tried so hard, and cried even harder and there is only so much a person can take before enough is enough. I'm going to live my life, pu tit behind me and focus on positive things. I just cant feel bad, its stupid and destructive to me! I'm young I cant bog myself down like this anymore.
I want my mothers support but if I cant get that then fine. I'll accept it and move on.
Work
Again, no secret that I hate my job I feel like I am over qualified to do the things that I do on a daily basis but to make it worse I work really long hours everyday and then put in an extra 3 hours every other saturday. I hate it. A position in head office just came up and I really want to go for it....correction....I am going for it.
I'm just so tired of my current position. I want to either move up or move on and I'm sick of the customer service aspect of it. What makes it worse is my allergies are really acting up so I am always stuffed up. This past thursday out of the blue my left cheek and eye socket felt like someone just punched me in the face. It really hurt turns out it was my sinuses. They were so congested that it began to hurt. Now tell me how am I supposed to be all smiley adn care about **** (cant reveal that part or it will give away where I work) when my face hurts, my nose is running and I'm constantly trying to clear my throat??? *sigh* I dont have a final breathe, stretch shake conclusion so I'm going to leave this open till I do.
*sigh*
That felt good to say. I want to go to the mall and get a hair piece. I also want to do my eyebrows and lashes because I really love fixing myself up and looking good. Its raining outside alot. I might either wait till the rain dies down or save it for tommarow.
Till I blog aian later today with another random thought I love you all, thanks for reading and lots of hugs and kisses from me to you!
*Muah*
I think I have narrowed it down to a few points that I'd like to put on my list of things to
Breathe, Stretch, Shake and let them go! I need to do this because its getting ridiculous. I am holding it all inside and its getting the best of me.
Friends:
I had a friend that I really enjoyed her company. But busy schedules leave no time for much interaction and I think there is now some resentment about that. She has her own friends that she hangs out with and sometimes I feel jealous because I'm not really included in that. And I understand to some extent why we are both busy and she has her own friends. I know some of the girls she hangs out with but we arent I guess cool on that level. Its probably more of a we know of each other but thats it type of thing. It makes me feel left out a little bit because they go and do really fun girly stuff together. Even before I had a bf they would go out and do cool stuff and it made me feel left out and just in one category. I'd even say to my friend hey, I'd love to come with you guys but the invitation was never extended back to me so I enventually dropped it and stopped "asking". I want a friend that I can hang out with all the time not someone that I can only do certain things with then anything else thats really fun I'm not included in. And thats how she makes me feel. So I guess my "busyness" has a bit to do with that; feeling tired of being in one category-the mall friend.
I touched on this in a earlier blog and I really think it made me feel better because I decided from that point to be my own friend and do things to make me happy. I got my nails and feet done. I'm trying to get my lashes and eye brows done. I also want to go buy some make up. I still miss having a gf to go out with but I'm trying to push that out of my head and just accept that right now the party of 3 will include me, myself and I.
A Mother's Approval
Its no secret among those who know me that my mother doesnt like my boyfriend. My mother has been a very over protective person all my life. I'm her only child and she is scared to lose me. When my bf and I were friends I introduced her to him and she didnt seem to happy to meet him....in fact it was a bit of indifference. A few weeks later he and I became bf and gf and I told her about it and she was pretty upset to say the least. At that point he had been coming to my church and everyone liked him and was happy that he was there. She made it clear she didnt like him there much to everyones confusion. When asked why she says, "my spirit doesnt take him" and that she doesnt like Indian people. My bf isnt full indian, only half but in her eyes it doesnt matter.
Long story short (I dont care to get into details with in this post) the whole situation went from bad to worse more than anyone could imagine. Synopsis: she ended up throwing me out, calling me a whore, packing my shit up (or throwing it out the closet whatever you want to call it) and attacking me. It was senseless and to this day I dont understand why it all happened. The police got involved and I ended up moving out for 6 months.
To say the least there is alot of resentment between them. She refuses to talk to him more than hi and bye and he is at the point that he doesnt even want to come to my house. Messed up shit huh?? I keep it all inside, and tell myself that one day it will all change but I just have to keep trying to get them talking. I have expressed how their decisions makes me feel but they both hold fast to their side (aka stubborness) and it leaves me in the middle wondering what to do, wishing it would all just be so different. I cant do this anymore.
It makes me jealous to see other people in relationships with siginifcant others who are welcomed into their home with no issues. I know not everyone has this luxury but I feel at my age this is just a bit passed ridiculous. She needs to let go and realize I am an adult who can and will make her own decisions. Getting vex, holding malice and being rude is not going to make me do what she wants. Sometimes this whole situation makes me want to give up. I just want to put it out there that I refuse to let go of my relationship. Its just not going to happen so she either has to get over it or give in.
So I have made a second decision that I'm sure neither of them will like (if she even cares) but at this point I have to do what makes me happy. I'm going to, for my own sanity not bother with trying to reconcile them. If they want to be stubborn and not resolve their issues then fine. I have done everything I can and I cant keep feeling bad and worrying about something that I cannot control. I feel like I have tried so hard, and cried even harder and there is only so much a person can take before enough is enough. I'm going to live my life, pu tit behind me and focus on positive things. I just cant feel bad, its stupid and destructive to me! I'm young I cant bog myself down like this anymore.
I want my mothers support but if I cant get that then fine. I'll accept it and move on.
Work
Again, no secret that I hate my job I feel like I am over qualified to do the things that I do on a daily basis but to make it worse I work really long hours everyday and then put in an extra 3 hours every other saturday. I hate it. A position in head office just came up and I really want to go for it....correction....I am going for it.
I'm just so tired of my current position. I want to either move up or move on and I'm sick of the customer service aspect of it. What makes it worse is my allergies are really acting up so I am always stuffed up. This past thursday out of the blue my left cheek and eye socket felt like someone just punched me in the face. It really hurt turns out it was my sinuses. They were so congested that it began to hurt. Now tell me how am I supposed to be all smiley adn care about **** (cant reveal that part or it will give away where I work) when my face hurts, my nose is running and I'm constantly trying to clear my throat??? *sigh* I dont have a final breathe, stretch shake conclusion so I'm going to leave this open till I do.
*sigh*
That felt good to say. I want to go to the mall and get a hair piece. I also want to do my eyebrows and lashes because I really love fixing myself up and looking good. Its raining outside alot. I might either wait till the rain dies down or save it for tommarow.
Till I blog aian later today with another random thought I love you all, thanks for reading and lots of hugs and kisses from me to you!
*Muah*
0 comments:
Post a Comment