Strength in the numbers of Me, Myself and I

I think things happen for a reason. I dont think anything happens by accident at all.

Over the past few years my circle of freinds has dwindled to a handful. Reasons vary from new boyfriends and all of a sudden I find myself wondering if their telephone number still works to stupid disagreements, new friends or just growing apart. I dont like drama, I think thats one of the reasons I dont have very many frends bc I cant handle the nonsense. The circle that I have now I cant even really call friends bc kids, a marrige, and new friends has neither of us communicating as much as I would like or try to so I sit by myself and sometimes wish I could do cool things like have a cosmopolitan friday out with the girls, go out to a movie night to see sex and the city then have martini's afterwards, go shopping or at least window shopping. Something.

I hate it but thats life right. For the longest time I still had a desire deep down inside to connect with someone and do girly things, have fun and go out. Ifigured it was a secret desire but I dont think I was that good at hiding it as I thought. I think it was still visible and came out in my eyes when I watched girls out shopping, chatting, having a latte in the cafe or just going out to the club and sharing jokes while having fun. Its basic human nature to want to dominate, have one over, be cliquish and manipulate your fellow man. I think my desire (however secret i thought it was) appealed to people who coudlnt resist the urge to view me as weak, treat me badly, look down on me and play stupid games. Well no more.

Two and a half years ago when I gave my asshole ex the heave ho I started thinking about myself and how I could strengthen myself. I stopped waiting on everyone else and I just got up and went after what I wanted. If there was a book I wanted I went and bought it. If I felt like going browsing in the mall I went and did that too. If I wanted bubble tea, a latte, whatever you guessed I went and did it. End of story. Hell I even watched a few movies by myself because none of my "friends" had time to go see it with me. It felt good, I felt empowered and I liked it. My point is, I stopped thinking about the freinds I didnt have and I started thinking about the friend I do have...myself.

What do I want? I'm so tire dof feeling guilty and I am so ready to let that guilt go and be free. I think I need to put myself on a "I'm sorry fast" and throw in "I feel bad", "are you offended", "what do you think" in there as well because frankly I'm sick of it. I'm sick of worrying about what others think or feel about me, my decisions, my life, and my choices. I wory all the time about how I am percieved. There are certain perceptions I care about but I care to much about all of them and its draining. So Today is the frist day of my fasting starting with "I'm sorry".

Today I am no longer sorry!

Till I blog again