Inevitable Accident

Its not lie that I had been having a rough few weeks. Things at my job was just not what I wanted it to be and it had me feeling depressed and feeling like I didnt know what to do. So I came home, prayed and watched LoveBScott on youtube and felt inspired. I decided then to practice his advice and walk and live in my Truth, be happy and not let anyone take that away. The next day I got into my car and travelled to work as I always do. For those who know me persoanlly know tht I have a brand new car just turned 1 years old. A dump truck slammed into the back of a car and we all slammed on our brakes. I stopped but the guy behind me didnt and he hit me. By the grace of God I was able to walk away and my car sustained very little damage but my back and shoulders werent so lucky. My muscles are sore. Even As I type this I am sore.

But God is good. It could have been much worse. At first I kept replaying it in my mind wondering if there was something I could have done differently, maybe left earlier or what but in reality there wasnt. So I stopped blaming myself and I am now going to focus on MYSELF for a change. I refuse to lift anything but most importantly I am going to do things that make me happy and one of those things is blogging with you guys. I was locked out of my hotmail account-AGAIN and coudlnt reset my password because I was locked out of blogger but now that its sorted out I will be making an effor to get back on here more often!

Hugs and kisses guys.

Love you all and until next time....I'm gonna go rest my back and shoulders!

Everything happens for a reason.

Ther is a time for smiling, a time for laughing, a time for crying and time to hear the truth.

I think that time is now.

I have a fmaily member that likes to talk. Everything that happens they are the first person to pick up the phone and call sister so and so and tell them yet they wont tell the person they are upset with. Then when sunday morning rolls around they act like nothing was said and sister so adn so looks at you with the hmm hmm look.

Typical church drama. I dont like drama yet this person does. They revel in epoepl thinking they are a victim and you are evil. I think they do this because deep down they are evil themselves and want todeflect the attention away from themselves and onto the other person.

As I type this I am thinking how childish this all is.

My point for typing this is this:

I dont like drama anmd I dont like mix up yet I found out today that people whom I nievely trusted at atime when I was most vulnerble and offered themselves as a shoulder to lean on were the same epople who brought my name back.

I think I'm mad at myself more then anything because I was warned but I didnt listen because I didnt want to beleive that the epople who presented themselves as one way were the exact opposte. What gets me is these are the same people who coninuted to smile and now half smile in my face every sunday.

So the question comes well why do you still go to that church. That church always gives warnings about stayingunder the rim of God so that his protection will be upon you and I believed that I was getting that at this church. I went in priased the Lord, read the bible and said hellos and goodbyes not knowing that i was surrounded by people casting a judgmental eye on me because of what this person has said. I think it all makes sense now. The distancing, the weird looks. This person who spread these lies about me did it because everyone looked at me favorably as the girl who has a good head on her shoulders, the girl who is polite and is a good girl and they didnt like it so they worked hard to create scenarios and situations behind the scenes to tarnish that image. So now I walk in thinking everything is ok when in reality it is not. In reality I am slandered before my car is even in park, I am judged and my image is turned upside down the moment they cast eyes on me and this person who did it is now seen as the victim when they are they perpetrator.

This is why I dont like going to Caribbean churches and I dont like being around too many Jamaicans because this is what happens.

*Sigh*

I have been struggling a little bit lately. I wont lie its been a rough 2 months. Its like everything feel down when Hazel died and I dont know why its affected me like this. Actually I do. Its made merealize that life is oto short. I want to do what make sme happy but at the same time I am accountable because I have financial responsibilities.

This is hard. Pleas ebear with me as I go through this process. I know I might confuse ou and I apologize its just me trying to sort it all out!

Hello!

So here I am 13 days later. I planned to come here and post but I was in the middle of my stay-cation so I didnt have a moment to come here. I'm sorry. I will come here tommarow and tell you all about my stay-cation, and the adventurous time I had :)

I'm back

Hello everyone

its been a long time. Last time I posted it was to say that someone whom I loved died suddenly and I honestly didnt know how to deal with it because it was unexpected. She was the last person I expected to die and the worse part was I didnt even get a chance to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. I didnt think it would hurt me so bad and I would internalize it but I did. I dont deal well with death and up until that point didnt have to deal with it so I rightfully didnt deal as well as I invisioned I would. But I am back

I see life differently now. Anyone of us can be here today and gone tommarow. SO many things can happen in a day, a week, a month nothing is absolute.

I havent really talked to anyone too much about it. I talked to my bf and even though he encouraged me to keep talking I didnt. Not because I didnt want to but I think I pushed it down so far that I "forgot" about it. But to be honest it was always there and it came out in other ways such as anger, frustration, sadness, fear, insecurities and anxiety.

I'm working on it. I think my bf has felt the brunt of it followed close by my mother. I just feel ike I have no patience and lately it has been so hard to contain my anger when something pisses me off. But those ar ethe negatives.

The positives is I am on this get fit and tone up thing and though I havent been to the gym (well bfore last week) in a month I havent gained much weight back at all. I think I gained perhaps at most 5 Lbs and 1 to 2 inches of what I lost. I am on a mission to tone up and drop a pant size from a size 8 to a size 7.

Another positive is I paid off my VISA bill

Another is I had my student loan payments lowered to something managable.

I've also closed 1 bank account eliminating excess fees and opened a tax free, no fee savings account that I cant access from my debit card.

I'm organizing a spa day and I am doing things to make me happy.

Today is the first day but I am on track-God is with me.

Sorry for being MIA for so long. I missed coming here and it feels good to be back.

Love you all. Till tommarow :)

She Died....and I'm so hurt

Hi Everyone

At around 3 am this morning a lady who was like a 2nd mother to me died in her sleep.

She was the most real, down to earth woman I've ever known and I am not taking this very well at all.

I was very excited to come on here and tell you guys about all the happenings and funny moments of this week then at 6:10 pm I get the phone call that took all of that away.

RIP Hazel Jackson

I know she doesnt want anyone to cry for her but I cant help it. I just cant....

I can do it. Part 1

I dont know.

Lately I have been feeling confused, lost and sad because I have been focusing on the nagatives in my life.

A absent relationship with my mother

Lack of enough money to do everything that I want to do.Its been depressing to say the least. I have felt uptight, sad, depressed and ready to just give up. I'm tired of talking and saying the same old same old all the time. I think my friends and bf have given the same advise over and over as well.

It has to start with me inside. Its challenging because change is scary but it has to be done. I'm not the first or the last woman to have a mother who is not supportive at all. I'm also not the first or last person to have a mother who acts like she could give a shit either way. So today is the say that I stop appeasing her. To hell with what she likes or doesnt like. At the end of the day this is my life and I'm going to live it the way I want to. Strong words but I'm ready; its time I've just been standing by knowing I need to make the jump to change but trying to calculate how to do it. Some things cant be calculated; they just have to be done.

I want to be happy. I know I can be happy but I'm dragging my feet. I think too much and this is one of those things. Its not complicated but all this analyzing and overthinking is giving me a whole bunch of scenarios that dont need to be introduced. This makes my fears come out and influence the scenarios that are being created.

I have quite a few insecurities and I have come to the conclusion that I just cant have these anymore. I'm ready to let them go; like getting rid of excess baggage to lighten the load.

I also need to stop being a people pleaser. I want to please everyone and maintain harmony so that there arent any waves. When I do this I take alot of crap from people that I dont need to take. What I'm trying to say is I am ready to:

1. Love myself unconditionally and this means even my imperfections because as Alafia says: I am perfectly imperfect.

2. Finding my happiness no matter where it might be everyday.

-I want to do this even when it seems like the shit has hit the fan and is sliding down the wall.

- Just saying I am going to be happy no matter what will get me in the mindset to seek and find happiness in every scenario so I can maintain it in my everyday life.

3. Be my own bestfriend and support system.

-My boyfriend is amazing and he is an extremely strong support system for me at every turn but he is only human just like me and he has his bad days just like everyone else. I too need to be able to hold myself up and stand strong so I dont crumble at the first sign of trouble. I know deep down inside I am MUCH stronger then that. I need to start being strong inside too and hold myself up too when the scenarios arise when he isnt around. I can do it.

4. Stop being a people pleaser and start doing things to please myself AND be guilt free about it!

I have grown up to learn that taking shit is better then standing up and letting that person know they cant walk all over you. Reason being that it doesnt create waves and karma will deal with them eventually for the offense. Though Karma is great and seeking revenge it doesnt mean people are allowed to walk all over me. I've decided to stand up for myself and let those who offend me know that its not ok and not feel guilty or fear that they might not want to talk to me ever again or things might get weird. If it does get weird then they were not meant to be my friend or associate and have done me a favor by showing me why they need to be cut off.

I'll share more tommarow. I'm off to bed. Goodnight

A Bad day to a GREAT DAY!

Hey all. So I havent posted in a few days just because I was busy and frustrated and plain tired! Sorry about that! I just coudlnt wait till today because I took it off and was looking forward to relaxing!!

I woke up today at around 8 am and decided that I wasnt staying home I would go and shop for myself. So I ate, took a shower and left with my mother. We went to the mall and I bought a few things that I needed like shirts and blouses and make up!!! Check my other blog for what Igot at MAC but let me tell you that was one of the HIGHLIGHTS of my shopping experience today!

Anyhow, we went to the beauty supply store becuase I was thinking to change my hairstyle and was watching youtube and saw some vlogs on synthetic lacefronts and thought they look so nice that I wanted to check them out for myself. So I bought one and I will share that on my make up blog too so if your interested please head on over there and I will tell you ALL ABOUT IT!!

I get home with all intentions to go to the gym but end out going downtown with my friend to shop (she shopped I browsed it worked out well). So we (her friend came too) end up meeting her friend to go get fish and chips at a small restaurant on Queen St called Chippy's. Now, I dont like fish but I decided to eat there anyway because I was starving and it was almost 8pm. So I bought prawns and chips and ate that-not bad. But then again everything tastes great when your hungry so I think I'd have to try it again when I am not so....umm lets say STARVING!! LOL

Now for my adventures Downtown!!

B and I (her friend) had to pee real bad so we found a Hero Burger restaurant and followed the signs to go to the washroom. Problem is the washroom was down a long hallway, two flights of scary stairs and into a basement where the male and femal washrooms were distinguished by painted on signs around a corner. SCARY SHIT!! he and I made sure we checked down there throuroughly before we peed. I'm talking about checking each stall. It was a place that a scary movie about how burgers were made from people would be made.

Then the stench of pee, BO and alcohol would enter our nostrils every 5 minutes. Then all the girls heading to the club in dresses that clearly didnt match their body types. I nearly got a boob in the eye because a girl tried to cut between my friends and I and she was waring sky high heels. LOL I think the guys were jealous that I nearly got a faceful of boobies just like that and they didnt...LOL HAHAHA

ALl in all it was a fun night of us 3 talking and laughing all the way down the street and back! I think today was a GREAT DAY!!!!!!!

What a bad day!!!!!!!!

UGH! Let me tell you! Today was such a bad day!!! SUCH A BAD DAY!!
Its end of month so alot of cheques had to be receipted, invoices paid, cash depsoited in the bank etc, etc, ect. Just madness! My day starts off with a circk in my neck, then I get into it with my bf in the car. Not a yellign macth but I walked away with feeling hurt and sad. I get to work and I have a MILLION things to do. My supervisor who isnt training me or the new guy properly is frustated, piles on work and doesnt give clear instructions which causes me MORE work ontop of what I already had. Like I didnt have enough to do already.

I end up crying at lunch in the car (thank God for tinted windows plus I felt like I was about to burst) with my bf (he didnt cry-he held my hand and tried to make me feel better). On top of that he had a bad day. It was just a bad day for everyone. I dont know about the other departments but I could feel the tension in mine-that and I know I was radiating some of it too-I was that frustratedbecuase I just coudlnt wait for 5 pm to roll around. When it did I couldnt even leave bc I had to finish what was doing prior. UGH!!!
*sigh*
I didnt go to the gym today. I opted to come home and relax. So I made warmed up dinner, put away lunch and listened to music. I want to make a CD but I dont have enough songs. I think I'm gonna take a long shower and go to bed! I really hope tommaorw is a much better day!! And to think I pray every morning and night!!!!

Weight!!!

Hey everyone!

I wanted to talk about my weight journey today. I know I said I would talk about some other things but I'm tired (a reoccuring theme these days) and I am ready for bed so I am hoping to make this short but very sweet.

I joined the gym about a month ago with the goal in mind to lose 10 punds by Caribana. Problem is I joined 2 weeks before and there was no way I was going to lose 10 pounds by then si I focused on living healthy and making healthy choices. Now this is hard for me because I have a few vices that I love

1. juice

2. eating out

3. quick convenienent easy food i.e junk- chips, bagels, kit kats....I could go on!!

KNowing all of this I had to make a drastic choice; keep eating poorly and watch myself gain weight or stop it and live healthier. I chose the latter.

I weighed in at 170 pounds. I'm putting my weight out there because a) I'm tall so 170 on me looks about 25 pounds lighter and b) I'm not ashamed. I look damn good at this weight BUT its not me. I am used to being a good 20 to 25 pounds lighter. Alot of people cant imagine me at that weight (they think its annoerxic on me) but just 5 years ago thats what I weighed and I was healthy with hips, bum and all.

Well thats where I want to be again.

So I have begun to go to the gym 5 days a week for 2 hours a day. I do a mix of cardio and weights. So far so good I am dropping inches BUT I still have a ways to go. 3.5 weeks is not enough to say that I am now cured of my weight lose issues and am on my way to being "happy" and slim. Thats nott the case. I'm impatient and I want to be thinner NOW!!!! I have toa ccept my body is nto like that. Last week I went to the gym only twice and this week only once. I had alot of things to do after work so I had to do what I had to do to take care of things but I am going back tommarow!!! I'm excited. I wanted to do ZUMBA but I wont be at that gym so I guess I will just have to settle for a small rinky dink gym. Good thing its just for a day.

Good part:

I've lost inches off my hips and 1 off my waist.

Bad part:

My bum is virtually gone!!

Good part:

my pants fit looser and my target skirt and pants are on their way to being zipped up with ease

Bad part:

I still like snacking and I have to reduce bread to once a week and sweets to NONE a week. But this damn hunger keeps putting all sorts of ideas in my head----sigh!!! I'm gonna fight it though.

I'm trying to make healthier eating choices, taking care of my skin and hair! I'm trying ya'll!

I watched a YouTube video where AndreasChoice talked about her weight lose regimen and she said she drinks alot of water-I'm talking baout a bottle before breakfast, lunch and dinner and she doesnt eat past 5pm. I finish work at 5 so thats not good for me. I think my cut off time will be 8 pm instead and I think I'm going to try the bottle before lunch thing. What do you guys think??

My boyfriend is working out with me too. I see the results but he is feeling discouraged because like me he wants to be at his goal size NOW! He is making progress. I think for his target area he really needs to focus on that s much as he does the weight training. Right now there is no part of his regimen dedicated to that area. Its all cardio and weights. He is changing that this week. Once he incorporates it for at least 3-4 weeks he will start to see a big difference.

I plan to do 30 mins cardio, 15 mins abs then 15 mins cardio. Then 15 mins weights training. I dont want to bulk up, I just want to create long lean muscle. Any suggestions???

Feel free to post a reply comment and let me know what you think

Night for now :)

You Brighten my Day!

Hey everyone!

One of my pet peeves is drivers who install those super bright HID headlights into what I consider crappy older cars such as old civics, accords, maxima's etc. So I was driving home 2 nights ago and got a unexpected treat. There was an driver with Texas plates rolling down the street in his vehicle with HID headlights. Granted his was a newer car so I cant really say he installed them or that they were manufacturer but nonethelss he had them. Right behind him was a guy who installed his lights and they were lighting up the American drivers car interior. I laughed so hard because now he knows what it feels like when he pulls up behind someone. I could tell it was bothering him because he was looking up at his rearview mirror squinting and sitting more to the left in his seat! PERFECT!!!

I loved it.

K, I'm oOff to bed.

My next post will be about the black communities dirty little secrets, my boyfriend and confidence in myself.

Night :)

Baby Mama Drama

So I went to wash some clothes yesterday and a Jamaican lady with a thick accent was in the laundromat with her toddler son. I brought a book with me bc I just bought it the day before and was super eager to get down and read it when she started up a convo with me.

Man she is super bitter about her situation and when she tells it you can see why. She doesnt have a good relationship with her family so she is raising her son on her own without their support (I suspect there is a back story on that but I didnt ask-I just let her talk), ontop of that her baby father wants nothing to do with her bc she took him to court. He doesnt come by to see their son and has hung up the phone on him (he is 2) when she dialed his number and put their son on the phone. She kept telling me over and over again not to have kids that her son is super clingy and if she leaves him with anyone to go somewhere he wont eat; he'll just sit and cry. She seemed super stressed out. Hearing her story you could see why. But what caught my attention more was how she treated her son. While she was talking to me she had a can of sprite in her hand and everytime he reached for it she would brush his hand away without even looking at him. She just kept talking. If he whined for candy she would kinda yell at him and tell him no. SHe even told me when he asks for his daddy she gets mad and tells him he doesnt have a "f'n daddy". Poor her and that child.

I dont want that to be me. I know she loves him but at the same time she seems stretched to the max. She did about 3 loads of laundry for $1.50 each and two dryers for 75 cents each; thats a total of $6 but for a single mom that is alot of money.

Poor her, I pray for her and her son.

What a day...what a day!!

I went to the pool party and I gotta say I had alot of fun!

My bf talked to his uncle and he agreed to tone it down. I saw him and he was nice and he joked but it was nothing like what he used to say. I invited my cousins and they rbougt friends and it was really nice. Iloved having them there. Family is really important to me anmd I loved having them there. We plan on doing it again long weekend so hopefully they can come again! I really hope they can! I really, really do!!

Double kisses!

Vent part 2

I would be remiss if I didnt say I had alot on my mind at 12:38 am in the morning.

I want to go to sleep but deep down I feel compelled to come on here and share my feelings and thoughts. I think what I feel (especially since I have a tendency to bottle it up and become angry I like to smile I really do) and think is important and since this blog helps me to "free my mind" thats what I plan to do tonight.

Today was a hectic day. I woke up made a few phone calls then packed up my mother in my car and we hit the road to start my errand filled day. I'm proud to say I got everything done on my mental list despite the +30 degree weather. It was so hot today. I was sweating before I even left the driveway and thats after coming fresh out of the shower.

Originally the plan was to get the errands done then attend my brothers get together but when I got home I was hot and tired and really didnt want to go. Luckily my bf felt the same and was nearby at his grandmothers house so after swinging by to pick him up we decided to stay. Its funny, as I spoke to him in the car (we left briefly to get gas) and I remarked that I wanted to stay at his grandmothers house and not go to my brothers there was a part of me that didnt want to stay because his uncle would be there.

His uncle is one of those people who is rude with no apology type of person who often says outragious, sarcastic things and plays it off as a joke just because he can. I am a controlled person. I am cognisant of my words and actions and how I present myself. This makes me a perfect target. My lips dont say anything but my eyes do and he takes this as a green light to say whatever he wants including racist things (his uncle is Indian in case no one knew). About 2 months ago he went through a break up with his then girlfriend. I was looking forward to going downtown with my bf when his uncle suggested we go down to the beaches. I thought he was just saying it till my bf asked if I was cool with going. I thought ok its a plan but deep down I didnt really want to go. Looking back on it I should have said something but I kinda felt a bit put on he spot so I agreed. No one was forcing me so in hindsight I should have just told my bf I wanted to go downtown just the two of us. Well, the say no good deed goes unpunished and that day I learned it the hard way.

Sara has a great inter-racial blog and this weeks entry was about women listening to their gut feelings. 6 weeks ago deep down I had a feeling that I should of spoke up and found a way to say no without coming off as the bad guy but I didnt and I regretted it as I sat across the table from his uncle while he spewed jokes that contained phrases like, "You tall african zulu woman", as he asked me "where's my spear" and "if I was going to spear him" because he could see on my face that Ididnt like what he was saying. He said many other things and I looked over at my bf who said nothing as it went on. The look on his face clearly told me he didnt like it and was uncomfortable but that was about it. He didnt firmly put him in his place and tell him to stop it or we were leaving. He only said, "ok thats enough". When I began gripping my bottle of corona completely unaware that I was doing it my bf gently pryed my fingers from around it and told me calm down and dont worry. I turned and whispered he is making me mad.

Practically the entire time we sat at the table to eat he insulted me. It got to the point where I had to concentrate on my food bc I was so damn mad that my appetite left me. You ever been that mad? Like you were hungry then someone just pissed you off so bad that you didnt feel hungry anymore even though 2 seconds before you were? A few times throughout the dinner I almost got up and left.

I dont think I should have to feel that way. But like true ME fashion what did I do?? Forgave and told myself I'd let it go. I complained to my bf and he told me he would talk to him. I honestly dont know if he did or didnt. I understand its family and sometimes its hard to say something but shit.....it wasnt even one or two jokes (too many if its making the other person feel uncomfortable) it was a whole dinner???

I told myself it was behind me but deep down I began resenting his uncle.

Fast forward to this afternoon, and I walk in to the back yard. His uncle is there and goes, "Oh here comes the bitch" I took a deep breath. I came there for my bf not him so I ignored him as best as I could. His mom noticed that I didnt like it and she goes, "you shouldnt take him on". I replied, "I know jokes around but sometimes I really dont like some of the things he has to say".

Its his birthday get together tommarow and honestly I dont want to go. Not because its not going to be fun and not because of my bf but his uncle. I hated sitting there and being attacked but its my fault too. My parents taught me a long time ago that if I am uncomfortable in a situation leave! If I cant find my way home my dad will come get me. What was my excuse that day?? I had my own car with enough gas to get me home no problem yet I stayed. Why did I stay??? I stayed because I told myself I would ignore him and enjoy being down there, I stayed because I didnt want to create tension and I stayed because I didnt want to seem like I couldnt take a joke even though that joke made me uncomfortable. I'm so mad at myself for staying in that situation for all the wrong reasons when everything inside of me screamed leave and go home. I didnt even plan to be down there yet I went to be nice and look what nice got me??

The only reason I'm going tommarow is for my bf and I also want to see his aunts new baby but honestly Im already thinking of ways to leave at the first chance I get which probably wont be till much later in the evening.

I share this here because I cant even breathe a word of this to my mother who already doesnt like my bf and even worse doesnt like Indian people. She thinks I abandoned her for my "new family" when that was never the case. The silent " I told you so" and smug air of vindication would be THICK! I dont even want to think about it. I cant even tell my dad....or worse my uncle who is very pro black. The firestorm that would be created .....its beyond my imagine right now because it would be that bad. Its to the point where I hesitate to bring my friends around him for any of his get togethers for fear that he will embarass me and offend them. Then they would look at me with eyes that wondered why I, such a strong pro advocate type person sits and says nothing while I am being insulted. Jokes are jokes but when they get to the point of this....

Before I go to bed...I want to tell you what my bf did yesterday!

SO my workouts (dragging myself is seeming to show results) seem to be showing nicely on me. My legs are smaller, my booty is firmer and higher (but less volume...it saddens me but not sure if I'm sadder than my bf) and my tummy is getting flatter. Now I wasnt fat by no means but I want to tone and be trimmer.

Ok fast forward to yesterday and I am walking with my bf after lunch. As we walk up the street cars are honking and guys are hanging their heads out smiling at me (I'm cute what can I say??).

One guy was about to honk and he saw my bf turn to look at him. Now this part is 2nd hand to me bc I was busy talking and not paying attention. My bf says when the guy looked at him my bf sticks his middle finger up, sticks out his tonue at him and with his free hand pretens dot rub my bum and pat it. Dude drove away. Honestly when he told me after I laughed bc my bf is a big kid and I know he doesnt like when guys do that, he just doesnt show it to me.

Anyway, just wanted to post that before I go in to bed because it popped into my head and I had a little bit of a laugh about it.

Work, Work, Work

*sigh*

Its fiscal year end and its so hard to start this new position at such a busy time. I'm tired everytime I come home. I go to the gym to work out but honestly some days I dont even want to go bc I feel like I have a sleep deficit. I woke up today put my gym clothes together and went to work but when my day was done and I was waiting for my bf so I coud drop him to his uncles house I just wanted to sleep. I didnt want to go work out. The only thing that made me go ahead was Zumba class. My excitment to do it was more then my tiredness so it made me want to go so BAD!

Then stupid hit. I have asthma and I left my inhaler in my room. Doing weights makes my asthma act up so could you imagine being in a dance studio with about 30 other people sweating it out to salsa, merengue and samba???? Nope, I like living so as much as it hurt I decided not to go. As tired as I was, I would have still dragged my ass there just to do that class! Friday is the next one and I think I'm gonna go do it bc I REALLY want to go. I hear so many great things about that class. I get home after 8L30 pm put my chicken on and sit and wait. It burns I throw in water and pray I dont taste it when its finally done. Well lucky me it didnt taste burned so I gobbled it down as my phone rang. I talked to the person on the line, bb'd my bf who went to the gym (I drove him) then just as I decided to get up wash the dishes make my lunch adn iron my shirt my phone rings. I talk to my bf. He cuts me off bc his phone is gonna die. I iron my shirt then come here to blog! Great times.

I think I'm stressed again and I dont like it.

BTW, I found my inhaler chilling nicely on my dresser beside my lotion and AVeno mositurizer. Smart me! Yes, I'm SOOO Smart!

I'm going to bed!!!!!

Vent 1

I had a dream the other night and I knew that it meant trouble was on the way. Unfortunatly it came in the form of my mother and the same issues with her again and again. When she gets depressed and frustated I am the one she takes it out on and I'm tired of it. She is such a angry person that she has managed to isolate herself from family, friends and people who love and care about her. She has been in and out of depression for years and years and its the same old same old with her. She is irrational and holds things inside forming her own version of the truth and she will work herself up into her own reality that often times is the exact opposite of what really is happening. SHe does it time and time again and doesnt learn from her mistakes when she finds out she was upset for NOTHING and dreamed up some nonsense that never existed to begin with. If the nonsense was confined to her head only it would be one thing but she lets it out inthe way she treats other people and alienates and severes good relationships for nothing at all. I really cant stand it. She has a hard time listening to anyone but herself. She loves to play the victim so she can gain sympathy and sit and feel sorry for herself when the past has proven that when things get bad financially she someway somehow pulls through and is ok.she doesnt seem to remember those times unfortunaltly.

I want to move out. Originally I left because she kicked me out bc she didnt like my boyfriend and wanted me to leave him. If I tell all the shit she did before hand it would fill this whole blog and I'd have to start a new one. It took a while to get used to being out of her house but I look back on it and it was a blessing. I moved back late last year to help her bc she was sick and apologized profusely asking me to come back. She still doesnt like my boyfriend and has made no effort to get to know him or even talk to him. That scenario is more then I care to get into bc I am honestly very tired of that too. I've given up for my sanity sake because trying to break down those walls was taking too much out of me.

2 nights ago she said something to me that really hurt my feelings but not in the way that I wanted to cry more like gave me the answers I needed to finally begin to distance myself emotionally from her. For those who know my mother she has always been a very bitter, negative and angry person who would try to control me and everyone around her. It bolew up in her face las year but I guess she doesnt remember that. I see she is back on her I can take care of myself I dont need you high horse. Thats fine. Right now I'm focusing on getting myself in a financial position to move out and stay out. This recession has been more then difficult on alot of people and I am no exception. I have always maintained my independence and pay my own bills and take care of myself without asking anyone for help. My thinking was if I dont have the money to do it I either have to wait till I do or save till I can. That hasnt changed but my income to do so has so in response I am adapting to it in order to make the same result true.

SOrry I havent posted, this is not like me but honestly I have alot going on. I love blogging even if I am the ony one to read it because its kinda like my space to vent nad feel better. I've been carrying this around or two days (too long in my opinion) and its time I let it out.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for my next entry of the night

Money.....Recession and Making it through!

Oh man. What a weekend. I get paid friday only to have to pay more money then I thought I would for expenses I didnt plan for. But they say nothing doesnt happen for a reason. I've decided to use cash more then debit when I make a purchase so I can keep track of my expenses and bring my debt down.

I think I did well for myself today. I bring my clothes over to the laundromat since the machines there actually cleans your clothes. BUT you pay a bigger rpice then if I brought them downstairs to the building laundrymat. Anyway, the laundromat across the way has some $1.50 machines that I didnt use in the past bc I thought I was balling. I would go to the $3.25 machines instead. Well today I decided to do the $1,50 ones and I ended up washing and drying 3 loads of clothes for $6.50! I saved $7 bucks in my pocket!

I'm shaking my head right now bc the news reported 2 weeks ago wednesday that Bank of Canada declared the recession was now over. Yet when the jobless numbers for July came out they had not changed since the ones for June. So, the question asks...is this recession really over? Or is The BOC declaring it over to trick the public into thinking its safe to spend more money because let me tell you we are no fool. I was in the supermarket saturday and overheard a few peope int eh line after I checked out making sure they got the most for their money. One man even exchanged his case of water for a cheaper one bc he saw ones on sale at the cash. I dont blame him why not? Another lady argued with her daughter that they couldnt afford to buy some desert thing she wanted and she would have to wait till next time bc she didnt have the money.

Recession over huh??

I think our government should give us way more credit for being smarter then they think we are instead of declaring fake good news that our naked eyes see is clearly not the case. No one is taking their declaration as a indication that its safe to spend more then we need to. I know Ive really tightened up my budget in an effor to save alot more money. Today I went to buy eyeliner and lashes that I ran out of 2 months ago and when I saw the bill I made the lady refund my money (the ones I picked up were labeled on sale but actually werent) and asked her supervisior to refund my optimum points ($10 worth) so I could use them another time. Her commission wasnt much and I could see she didnt like that but I dont care. I only care about what I spent out of pocket today and being concious of where my money is going not her commision.

Till we talk again next time. Goodnight all!

Money,Money, Money.......BUDGETING!!

I woke up today and the first thing on my mind was money! How I was going to not only pay my own bills but help others aswell and still not end up broke again for 2 weeks. Its not a nice feeling knowing you have $4.98 in the bank and you have no lunch for that day. It sucks big time so I felt pretty good when firday morning rolled around and I knew I got paid at midnight. But that joy was short lived. My plan for this month and every month here after is to live off cash. I ama debit-a-holic. Everything is debit this debit that I dont carry cash. I find that because I am so addicted to my debit card I lose track of my spending really easily.

Yesterday I took out $100 paid $30 for Gas and $1.39 on a KitKat because I was so hungry at that moment. We went to T.O.D and bought two souvlacki pitas for $10, thena gyros with drink and thai with drink. In all we spent $20 on food down there; I think that was an amazing deal! Like when was the last time two people ate twice and drank once for $20 total LOL?

SO I woke up this morning with $45 left thinking (shit I'm missing $5 that I cant remember and)what am I going to do with this money and oh...by the way I just remembered I have to do laundry...Sooooo there goes $10-$13. Minus about $10 from my $45 and it leaves $35. My food budget for the week is $160. So $35-$160 is $125. That means I have to go to the bank and take out $125 for food and get to shopping.

Man this cash budget thing is going to be hard and tedious because I'm so not used to doing things this way but I need to get a reign on my finances and be smarter with my money. I think if I can do this now then down the line when life throws me a curve ball (like it always tends to do) I will be able to stand through it and be flexible instead of bend to the point of almost breaking. Thats my goal to stand and not bend like I have been doing lately.

Hope this helps someone! Talk to you later :)

The Taste of Danforth

Tonight my bf and I went to the 16th annual Taste of Danforth; a two-day Greek festival. We both have never been to it so I was excited to not only go but experience it with my bf who had never gone as well. We got there and it was basically one big street festival of food, music, and live performances (among other small things like 2 mini volleyball courts and a small kiddie ride area). The line-ups were loooooonnnnnnng but with chicken souvlaki for $4 up to Kangaroo burgers for $4 one can see why. We didnt get to try the Kangaroo burger, much to my boyfriends sadness but we did eat chicken souvlaki on a pita, gyros and I had some thai. For 5 bucks I got chicken pad thai and a drink and there was ALOT of thai in that little bowl. Good food, good eats and a nice time!!

Besides the food there were sooooo many interracial couples. Bm/ww, BW/WM, BM/AW, AM/IW etc. It was really nice. I saw alot of white men with black women and their children tot he point where no one batted an eye at me or my bf or any of the other couples. It was really nice. I didnt feel stared at. BUT there were a few bm who would stare at me then look at my bf and back at me before they looked away again quickly. Oh well....I guess you cant win them all right?? Thats ok....I didnt care either way. I was enjoying the sights, sounds and people around me!

On the train ride home there was a homeless woman. Her clothes were modest and pretty clean looking but up close I could see they were not that clean. She didnt smell funny and her hair was kept in a loose borderline messy bun under a wide hat, but her eyes said she was sad, nervous and ashamed. She approached my bf and I and paused before asking quickly if we had any tokens that she could use. She clutched her chest as she spoke and I knew she was being sincere. I had none it was my bf's tokens that I used to get on the train. She walked away and moved onto some people behind us who mocked and laughed at her. She went and sat back to her original seat and put her head down only looking up at me for a brief moment before returning her gaze back to the floor. I watched as some young guys came on the train and she asked them twice before one gave her some of his change.

I looked at her and thought about how in this recession all of us on that train could easily end up like her and my heart went out to her. My bf noticed how I suddenly became quiet and asked what was wrong. I told him what I was thinking and he became quiet too. After a moment he asked me if I still had my change from earlier and I said yes. So I put together $5 and he pulled out 2 tokens and we decided that he would give it to her. My bf didnt give it to her right away but instead he got caught up in the conversation of the people behind as they critizied and mocked her. Sad part is she was sitting really close to them and easily overheard everything they said. As soon as the the next stop came she got up and ran off the train and down the platform. I saw the look on her face as she turned to look at them and she looked ashamed and sad.

I feel so bad. In fact we both felt so bad for her. I am on a really tight budget but I considered giving her my $20; half of my food money for the week just because I could see she needed it more than me. They called her a crack head and even asked how she could be begging (in hindsight even though Ididnt hear all of their onvo I did hear when they said that part before she bolted from the train). I've seen crack heads. In fact last week I seen 2 begging for money at the intersection to the gym I go to. Up until then I didnt know what a crack head looked like but seeing them itch and scartch themselves, be so figity and look around as if someone is calling them from different directions every 3 seconds was clear that they were on drugs. This woman was not. She was humble, and ashamed and those people mocking and judging her was disgusting.

I dont understand people like that. I wish she had stayed so we could give her the $5 and 2 tokens. Instead she is somewhere, anywhere right now possibly feeling sad and depressed because of a inconsiderate few. My bf felt bad for not getting up sooner to give it to her. I dont blame him he wanted to wait till the train stopped before he gave it to her. She was waiting till the train stopped so she could get away from those people. Its not his fault.

I'm going to pray for her.

Till we speak again everyone!

NO Holiday Monday for me!!!!

So this monday was a holiday for everyone BUT me. I was so mad that I had to work. The only good part is they ordered food, I was allowed to dress down adn bring my iPOD or MP3's player and I could play music at my desk. Then I find out that the cut off is 4 pm and we should aim to meet that deadline. SO there I am at 4:05 pm wondering why the manager didnt tell me this waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay earlier because now I am struggling to enter the last invoices and get my tail out of there!!!!!!

I was dreaming of going home by 3:30pm!I got home at 5 so happyto be home. But my day was far gone already. I couldnt go out anywhere and I started tuesday feeling cheated and mad that everyone else came into work rested and happy and I came in tired and bitter. LOL

DBR bw and bm's Part 1

**caution my post today is going to be controversial and may offend. If you dont like it feel free to exit off my page**

I just read Sara's blog today and I identified with so many points that I thought I'd blog and share my thoughts about it here. One of the phrases that she has used many times over is DBRbm's. Today she explored DBR bw's!

I'll explain what both are next.

What are DBR bw's and bm's??

DBRbw's and DBRbm stands for Damaged Beyond Repair black women and black men Now I'm black as well and proud of it but I cant deny that such people exist within the bc (black community) and not only do they exist they thrive on holding others back. I have experienced such people in my life which is one of the reasons why I dont have very many bw friends. I'm not your typical black female. I like eruo, dance, alternative, grime, garage, latino, and soca music. I can only stand dancehall in 2 minute doses and I'm growing a strong dislike for hip hop. I like to ice skate, play volleyball, and do things that are not labeled typically "black". I want to swim more, go hiking, go up north and stay at a cabin in December so I can go outside into the hot tub. I want to go skiing, eventually join a martial arts studio and do dance classes.

Because of this I am not exactly appealing to most black girls. I know this, I've been told this by black girls and I've come to accept it and be fine with it. Therefore I seek friends who are like me and usually those people dont share the same race as me because of it.

When I was younger I used to have a strong desire to fit in with my black peers. I want to be witty like them, out going like them, sharp and cleaver like them. I just wanted to fit in yet I didnt feel like I could. I was quiet and shy and my shyness made a target for being made fun off. I was tall and lanky, and my eyes were chinky so I was made fun off constantly for it. I wasnt as quick witted as they were so when I finally thought of something to answer back it just made it worse.

This weekend my bf and I decided to take a walk around his area. SO here we are in a mostly Indian neighbourhood walking side by side and at some points hand in hand when we suddenly find that we are the centre of attention. We had dirty looks from Indian men and Women. When we werent getting those we had whole families in cars staring us down. Sad I think. My bf noticed more then I did but when I did it was truely a shameful sight. I know that we are not the typical interracial couple since black male/white femal IR relationships are common but at the same time I dont think it warrents someone almost running off the road to stare.

The funny part is some of these Indians were as dark as me. But this post isnt necessrliy about DBRIm's or DBRIw since I dont know anything about that nor do I know if the title fits. But I do know about DBRbm and bw which brings me to the lone blak man walking along the path with us.

One thing I notice alot of is when a IR couple is walking down the street hateful people who dislike the union will try to walk through the to break their hand holding. I guess its their way of feeling good about "breaking them apart". I thought I was the only one who experienced this till I read about it happening to other bw in IR relationships or friendships. I turned around and saw this older black man walking briskly. We locked eyes and he looked at me so angry. I've seen that look before in the eyes of many black men young and old when they see me with my bf. That looks usually morphs into disgust then a accusatory stare of, "how could you??". So I turned back around and kept walking becuase I just didnt want to deal with that scenario all over again. Suddenly I felt like someone was right behind me so I turned around and there he was about 2 feet behind me looking as pissed off as ever. I stepped aside and let him walk around me since I could see he was aiming to walk right through us and I wasnt having that. He wasnt going to get that satisfaction. His shoulder brushed mine when he passed and he didnt turn around to look he just kept walking. Sad. This man could be my father, and as I watched him walk away I wondered if that really neccessary? I see hate and DBR's doesnt stop at a certain age.

I'm going to pause on my thoughts for a moment and think about how I'm going to word my next post. Till I post again.

Accounting 101

So I have been at this accounting thing for 2 weeks now and I can honestly say this is HARD!!

I am doing payables, cash recipts, petty cash and some JV's and its so hard to keep everything straight. Its practically overwelming. I want to make sure this is done right.

Its hard though...cant lie. But I'm determined to get the hang of it and master this. I'm determined!

its been so long...

So sorry that I have not been updating my blog. Its a combination of life getting in the way, keeping things inside and being tired when I get home.

I think the best way to catch up is to break my post up inot individual posts so I can share whats been going on in the past 2 weeks. Ready??

Ley we go!

Rain, Rain Go away!!!

So we have been experiencing ALOT of rain. My car was powerwashed yesterday (good so all that bird shit will be washed off) bad because our plans to go to the beach was ruined today!
So now the BBQ will just have to come to us....for now at least!

My week in review

My accounting week was so hard! I was excited going in but I'm not gonna lie, I was super happy to see friday evening come. I just wanted to get out of there and go home. It was a really, really hard week for me. But deep down in my heart I know that it will get better and be ok in the end.

Today just wasnt a good day. I sat in indigo thinking about my day and I couldnt help but wonder a few things when I opened up a book called Men and Womens Secrets. In it was a collection of annonymous confessions from men and women across the US and Canada. It was interesting and at the same time I can only imagine liberating for those people to confess those things and get them off their chest. A part of me wished I could do the same too.

I think I'm going to go to bed and relax. Its going ot feel good not having to work tommarow. I worked last saturday and people dont understand sometimes how much of a toll it takes on you after working 11 hour days 5 days a week. It might only be 3 hours every other saturday but add that on to the 55 you just did that week and it gets really draining!

Not to mention I'm eating healthier so no more junk food for me it hasnt exactly been the best week for me!

Off to bed I go. Talk to you later lovelies!

Its Mine and you can't have it!

The devil always tries to find a way to taint your happiness and steal your joy because he likes seeing you down.

I was feeling soooooooooo good inside this past week. Even when things on the outside made me mad or didnt sit right with me deep down inside I was still feeling my joy and happiness then this weekend happened and challenged my grip on both.

There's a situation that happened a few weeks back and after my bf urged me to talk to this person everything was laid out on the table. Well some of the stuff laid out didnt sit right with me afterwards and I told myself I'm not going to let it steal my joy. It hasnt stolen it but it has made it hard to feel it. I dont think thats fair to me. I'm not going to beat myself up the way I usually do and say, "I should just not let it bother me", because I'm human, its a weird situation and it would bother anyone else. I sat and thought about it and I've decided to take a new approach. I'm gonna pray about it. Now I pray alot but I get discouraged about things especially if I dont see any progress. That doesnt mean things arent changing and moving in the right direction. When I say right it might not be what my heart desires but it is the direction that God wants and in the end works out better than you would have wanted anyway. When you pray about something is essentially what happens.

Letting go and letting God is hard because I like to know whats happening. But God isnt going to come down and say, "This is what my next move is and this is how its going to turn out". So I'm going to pray about that too and continue to move forward. Let God to take care of that situation. Honestly thats all that I can do. I cant make anyone like me and I cant change the way someone feels. So since I cant change anyone else I will work on the one person I can change...and thats myself and how I respond to situations and people.

^^^^My joy!

This blog entry is not meant to be my declaration of instant healing. I am cofident that this too will pass and there will come a day in the very near future that it wont bother me. This blog entry is meant to be a declaration of another step forward; a step toward freedom and retained happiness! I'm determined to do it but this time not on my own. I'm going to try this new approach and I know the results will be better then I will ever expect.

Good night everyone :)

5 things to be happy for!!

I just viewed a youtube channel by Intro2the1 and she asked the viewers to list 5 things they are happy for in life. I started thinking about my day how it started out peaceful, got frustrating then ended on a good note.

So I thought about what my list would look like and decided on these 5 things.

1. Being alive and healthy-it could be so much worse if I weren't

2. My boyfriend talking to me about not letting words get to me so much. In the end they are just words-I really think I needed to hear that

3. my family (as dysfunctional as they can be) and my boyfriend- I love them both very dearly

4. Feeling happy inside despite outside things-deep down I am holding onto my joy

5. my promotion-I am excited and nervous all at the same time.

These are the top 5 things I am happy for right now. The list might vary but there are things on there that will remain the same.

Tonight I visited my bf's aunt and her new baby in the hospital. He arrived 1:19pm today! I dont think I have seen her and her fiance so happy. He was glowing and so was she and their son is so beautiful. I think I can say I have witnessed how having a child can transform someone into blissful happiness; they were that happy. When her fiance looked at his son his face transformed into love. Hard to really explain it but I saw it. People who have children have told me that they are blessings planned or not and when they arrive you cant imagine what it was like before them. I would like to experience that some day. I'm not running to have my own right now but I want to experience it too

Till we speak again. Love you all.!

Night :)

A beautiful Island amidst the fog of envy!

My cell phone is stressing me. But thats not how I wanted to start this post. I really wanted to mention how more and more the envy is coming out in the people around me. How sad eh? It seems that people cant understand why I would want to move up and away from this section of the business. Maybe its not meant for them to understand, perhaps they should tell themselves that the next time they want to ask me dumb questions like why did I apply for it.

I feel like I am counting down the days till I can finally say goodbye. Now I'm not leaving with the expectation that I will be arriving in the land of milk and honey. I am realistic about that too. But I am also wanting to leave because simply this side of the business is not for me. Either way its not my problem. I'm not going to let that worry me. Like yesterday I am going to put it behind me and move forward because its a new day and tommarow will be an even newer day then today. So much possibility, so much hope.

SO this is the phone I want to get!

My provider is Telus and they FINALLY have a phone that is comparable to the Blackberry Bold. This beauty is called the Blackbery Tour! Its what you get if a Blackberry Curve and Blackberry Bold had a baby. Its a world phone and GSM capable with a added bonus of being HSPA capable aswell. AND!!! It comes with a SIM card. FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! Telus you have heard the people and responded! Its about damn time!!

The nice thing about this phone is its bigger then the curve and heavier but smaller then the Bold. The Bold has wiFi but the Tour doesnt. Sucks but you know what, I wouldnt have used it anyway so no use crying over something that wouldnt benefit me.

Telus offers it on a 3-year for $229.99 regular $600; the same thing they are offering everyone else on a new activation. I have been with them for about 10 years so I'd like a better discount then that. Thats my ego talking but still after everything they have put me through I think I deserve something for being willing to stick it out with them for another 3 (if I have to sign a damn 3 year contract anyway!). I'm going to call rogers then go visit a telus store and actually touch the phone and see what it feels like for myself.

Hopefully all goes well and I can finally throw thisBlackberry Pearl in the garbage and get a phone that:

*rings

*I can turn the volume up or down if I need to

*vibrates

*keeps phone calls in memory

*doesnt randomly erase numbers out my phone book

*doesnt freeze 7 times a day-LITERALLY !!

*tells me theres a missed call and actually displays the call for me to see who I missed

*sigh*

So to end this post on a good note I'd like to finish my thoughts with this

I am happy for my blessings. I'm going to use up the rest of my gift cards and go buy a few shirts at the mall tommaorw so I can start out my work week fresh and polished. After all I have a refined and sophisticated image to maintain LOL. I was told that by a girl who works at another branch. LOL I'm excited. I havent bought clothes for work in so long. Hell, saturday was the 1st time I shopped for lesiure clothes for myself in ages. $5 tops-cant go wrong with that LOL

Night everyone!

I think I can start to smile now...Its official!

Its official! I am an accountant level 1 and now the rest of the company knows it too!!

The announcement went out this afternoon and my inbox was flooded with congratulations from co-workers and upper management. It was really nice. But with the good cames the bad. I had to go to another location and some of the people there were not as happy for my promotion. I knew it was coming. So I take the good with the bad and keep it moving onwards.

I'm happy for my promotion and I am looking forward to a change of pace.

Have a good night everyone!

Deep, deep down inside. I am happy! I just gotta stop worrying

I had a decent day today. It started out well then somewhere before 6 turned into me yelling into my phone at my co worker who had made a very rude comment to me. He's one of those people who cant take pressure and snaps at everyone. So when he did it to me I was not having it. I pulled out my cell in traffic, police officer near by (its "illegal" to talk and drive here) and let him have it. He ended up apologizing to me afterwards. His apology was sincere so I gave him daps and we are cool now. I am not one to like holding grudges but when I got back into the office I wanted to ignore him till 6 then go home.

I miss my friend. I really do. Even though I have made new friends I miss the old. So I pray because at this point I dont know what direction to go from here about this. I think this is one to let go and let God take care of so I am. I pray and ask God to work the situation out and also to grant me peace of mind and heart regarding this matter. I am confident (yes I am!) that it will work out. Till then no use worrying, and increasing my stress for no reason.

I love my bf. I really do alot and I know he reads this so I want him to know that even though we may disagree, argue, get on each others nerves that I recognize that every relationship takes effort and work. It wont always be rosey but even when we face challenges and tests in the end it makes us stronger!

Always and Forever...

Me and you :)

^^^I feel like this bird right now in the picture; stopping to take a look at the pretty flower and reflect

I went out with a friend today. She brought her 3-year old niece and together we hit up the nail salon so I could get a refill, the mall, and the outlets. It was fun. We talked and laughed and she drove crazy as hell. I laughed about that too but only after I was safe and away from the back of the bus, or that car coming faster then I thought it should as she switched lanes.

She drove me home bc she had some stuff to do plus she had to return her niece to her mom so my mother and I went driving as soon as I got out my friends car. I didnt even go upstairs to drop of my bag; my mother met me downstairs and we left right away. I just didnt want to be inside doing nothing when I'm not used to doing that on a saturday. We went driving to some of the richer houses to browse and admire them. Weird maybe but I liked it! It was fun going and looking at all those nice houses, some of which were in abscure little areas. Some neighbourhoods had houses that were too close together so it took away from their beauty. Others were built in the 60's that was surrounded by trees and forrests. The area almost seemed like a world of its own tucked away in the city. It literally felt like we took a trip to the country. It was nice. I made my mother laugh when we toured PVC and I saw all those HUGE mansions. I told her I was going to put it in my prayers for an area I want to live in in the near future LOL. It was that nice...it just blew me away how gorgeous it is over there. Every vehicle that rounded the bend was a new mercedes, BMW or JAG. Guess that says what kind of money one has to have to live there. Almost all the houses were gated and some were so big they looked like campuses for private schools.

I ended the night laughing with my friend and her friend at a restaurant till we had to leave. The kitchen staff was going home and we werent allowed to sleep there till morning. Sucks I know! All in all a good day. It didnt start out so good (There is alot to learn and blog about there but thats for another time) but ended pretty well.

Now I'm off to bed :)

Till morning everyone!

Random ish to clear my mind...

I get annoyed sometimes when things dont go my way. I'm not gonna lie.

I went to bed last night pretty late and was woken up this morning by loud claps of thunder and the sound of rain beating on my window. I stayed awake for a while listening to it then dozed off somewhere after. The weatherman warned of high winds and alot of rain this morning so I knew it was better to wait it out then head out and get my nails done and start my errands.

This cell phone I have is quite annoying. Sometimes it rings sometimes it doesnt. It rang but I didnt know and I was waiting for that call. This isnt the first important call I missed from friends or family or from work.

I'm just so tired of it. I'm gonna go to the mall to see if they will change my phone for me so I can at least...have one that rings. Maybe something can be worked out for me-I'll pray about it.

*sigh*

moving on....

I noticed something interesting yesterday when I was out with my nephew that I want to share.

My nephew and I bear a resemblance because his father and I look like our dad. In turn my nephew looks like my brother so when we are together its obvious he and I are related. Thing is he looks completely white. He has blondish brown hair and green eyes and a slight tan now because its summer but he looks white. I got alot of double takes from people whose eyes would dart between my nephew and I then back to me. Interestingly my nephew didnt notice or maybe he did but didnt say anything to me about it. LOL I almost forgot how much stares we get when we go out together.

My friend said something to me a few weeks ago and I think its true. She said that maybe my bf and I hangout too much and that we both need to have other friends to hang out. I think she might be right. I think that could have been why he sounded so annoyed last night. I wondered why he hesistated when I asked if he wanted to meet up today. I guess he just wants to be on his own or go out with his friends if they call.

I asked him if he thinks we hang out too much and he gave me a statement then finally said yes. Did that hurt my feelings? Truth hurts right? I think of him as my best friend so when you hear that from your best friend it hurts no? But am I going to cry? No. He has a right to feel the way he does no matter how or what I think about it.

The last thing I want is to become annoying to anyone so I'm going to take what he said and give him his space. Too much of something, in this case me is not a good thing.

Profound words...

ok I'm off to get ready now. Till I blog some more random shit....this self therapy session is now adjourned.

Late-NIGHT SEX!!!!

OK. So I'm sure you all want to hear about this late night sex right? Well here goes....

I walk into the bathroom to wash my face and go to bed whend I hear these sounds. I shut off the water and listen and its a girl moaning loud!

"Oh my gosh!" "Oh!!Oh!!Oh!!", "Oh My gosh!", " "Oh yes....yess!!"

Only one reason why a woman will be saying all that....sex!

SO, I creep over to the window (to see if some dumb ass teen is trying to brazingly have sex outside) but I see nothing. The my eye catches a van rocking back and forth and the girl inside it is practically screaming-and I mean about to lose her voice cause she cant yell really loud but she cant keep it in either so it comes out sounding somewhere in between. Right then I know its not a teen cuz these dumb ones around here arent that smart (trust me if you see them you will understand why I say that). Next thing I hear the neighbours upstairs came out on their balcony and they start commenting on the ahem...situation.

"Oh my gosh can you believe this? She is having sex!" "That girl is having sex downstairs in that van!!"

Hilarious!

Whoever it was in that van laying the pipe down he was hitting it pretty nice cause she sounded like she was gonna pass out. Then just as I thought she was gonna scream out for real there's silence, the van stops rocking and I dont hear anything for a good minute. I guess their done! I keep looking but nothing. So after about 2 mins I go back to the bathroom and I hear what sounds like a door shutting. I hurry up and pee, wash my hands (yes I'm giving you details and considering what this post is about I dont see why it would be inappropriate!!) and hurry back to my peeping window-yes I named it this because It had what I thought were amazing views-I cant believe what I saw after.

This black girl comes (She lives/or visits here alot) out the van on the other side facing away from anyone pulling into the parking lot and proceeds to fix her wig and skirt. Girl is bare foot! Then she reaches into the passenger side seat in the front and puts on her sweater and pumps.The door opens again and I hear a male voice talking so I go to my other peeping window that I found last second (it had an even better view) and I see what looked like another woman putting her hair in a ponytail and then putting on a baseball cap. But I was wrong. It wasnt another woman....it was a spanish guy. They both get back in the van then I see another set of headlights turn on and begin to pull away.

Guys, it was another guy pulling off in a SUV. Two guys were in the van with the girl!!! The van followed the SUV and both parties left!! Wow....I really need to move away from this place!

Ok I'm going to bed finally LOL

Ice Age-Dawn of the dinosaur!

So I got to spend the evening with my nephew. I cant believe how much he has grown. We are almost the same height and his voice is getting deeper. Its funny because while he was bent down tying his laces I looked downa dnd he had hair on his legs. LOL I know it seems weird to say that but the last time I saw him he still sounded like a child. Now he is a young man. Even though we just walked around the mall for a moment darting in and out of different stores (MAC for me, EB Games for him) then ran (literally) to the theatre to watch the movie I still had alot of fun with him. We drove to walmart to get him a Transformers action figure but they were closed. He is a huge fan of the movie.

I look forwrd to doing it again with him. He is going away this sunday and I'm gonna miss him alot. I cant wait to see him again!

till next time, take care ya'll!!

I got the job!!!!! I'm an Accountant Level-1

On to better news!!

I'm a Level 1 Accountant!!!

All those long hours studying, pouring over books and trying to figure out what all those terminology meant it all paid off.

Ok Tuesday night as I cried my eyes out I ironed my favorite blue shirt and layed it out with my black suit. The next mornign I woke up and told myself its time to focus and move forward and leave last night behind. SO I got dressed, put on my suit and packed my black and grey Coach purse and left for work. Apparently I looked like a movie star because my boss and colleagues commented that I looked like I just stepped off a set. Cool!

I leave work at 11:20 jump on the toll highway and get to head office. What was suppsoed to be a 15 minute interview with the controller and the head of accounting turned into a 2 part interview with the initial one being conducted by 3 accountants interviewing me at the same time. Talk about intimidating :( I walked out of there wondering how I could have possibly done considering I was just interviewed by 3 ppl; all of whom I couldnt read their stone expressions! YIKES! Then onto the big interview. I went in there and told myself to just do it. SO I just did it LOL and I think I blew them away. They had at least 5-6 pages (I kid you not) of questions to ask me but we spent most of the time laughing and talking through them. It was great. So I get back to the branch and go to lunch come back anmd am back and forth with customers. I walk back in to the office and my boss tells me to call the controller. It felt like it took 20 mins to get to my desk that was 2 metres away and dial her #. I was nervous and scared but the news was good. She told me I made it easy to decide who to give the role to and that I got the job!

I am so excited!! She came by today to drop off my contract and I was so happy to see her and get it.

My manager commented that he hopes I am not making more than him when she left. So I told him the only way I would is if I was asked back to my prior position. He asked my base, I told him, he walked off yelling, "Holy s****!". That should keep him quiet!

Now off to enroll in my courses. I want to get my accounting certificate and look into how I can get a degree.

This must be why my joy is blanketed on the inside

SO tuesday night I thought about making a second post but my eyes were puffy from crying and my body was tired so I went to bed. I loved Michael but not enough to bring on such a response. So what made me cry like that? A friend. These past few weeks have been hard for me. I've been depressed and sad alot and quite frankly I didnt feel like myself at all. I struggled to even smile let alone speak sometimes. Apparently in my cloud of depression her birthday passed and I didnt call her. My bad, if the circumstances were different I gurantee you I would have called. But I was caught up in my own sadness and clouds of emotions that it came and went and I didnt even realize.

Then someone we know died July 1st. I found out on facebook and in my disbelief I scanned the friends list found someone I knew and messaged them asking if it was the same guy that my friend knew. She didnt reply; instead she told my friend that I asked her. Interesting. My intentions were not malicious. In fact, I had been wondering why it was that if I didnt call my friend she didnt call me. But I guess it was because she was upset that I didnt call her for her birthday.

A little background info: She and I have had a up and down friendship. In university I often felt like the fall back friend. My major was time consuming and I couldnt go out with her as much as I would have liked to go out as much as she could but I couldnt. We talked about it but nothing really happened then we stopped talking and started again on my effort. Then I became the mall friend. Its so stupid and complicated that I dont even want to type it all. Its mentally and physically exhausting.

Now she is upset. I apologized, I explained I called, I even called her today at work to see how she was doing. SHe sounded distant. I tried to tell myself that it has to do with her aunt being very sick and her trying to deal with that guys death but ... she doesnt talk to me the same. Shes distant, cold. I told her about my recent promotion (I'll blog about that in the next entry) and she paused like she was shocked at my new title then goes, "oh". SO I explain my title (why do I have to explain really??) shouldnt you just be happy that I am in a better position then I was in before?? I had to explain before she said, "Oh thats good. I'm happy for you". Wow! I sat on the phone and asked myself why I bothered to call her after my text asking how she was feeling went unanswered for almost 2 hours. Then I answered myself with one word: guilt! Guilt made me call her because I felt guilty for not calling her on her birthday and making her think that I was angry at her when I asked her friend about the death. Truth of the matter is I was depressed...very depressed. Nothing else. SO why should I feel guilty about that?? Its like my good news is being tainted by all these other bad outside things.

Tears for You Michael

My heart is heavy because I am still in denial that MJ is truely gone. I cant bring myself to let the teras in my eyes fall bc I just cant give in that he is really gone. I just cant. I thought my kids would see and hear Michael some day the way I had the privilage to. I watched as MuchMoreMusic, MTV, and Much Music broadcast his many videos but there is one video that transports me back to being 11 siting in my moms room glued to the tv; "Remember the Time". That was my favorite song in the whole world and if you were giving me a million dollars to look away I probably wouldnt notice you there. Thats how transfixed he had me. I watched and took in every move his body made, his dancers, the set, the lyrics everything. When the song came on my little radio I would dance all around my room. I'd even cut friends off the phone so I could sing and dance along to it. Thats how much I loved that video and song....thats how much I loved Micheal. By 11 I was old enough to appreciate him and understand how genius and far ahead of his time he was; even if it was just by me loving that song. There are many other songs that I loved, songs that if I am in the car and they are played on the radio I turn it up, start dancing (yes all in my seat lol) , singing along and smiling.

There will be NO one else to come after him nor is there anyone before him who could capture a nation and influence generations who only knew him when he was grown (including me) and those who knew of him through the 80's and 90's babies who grew up and used his inspiration and influence to incorporate his lyrics and dance moves in their song. My future kids will hear about Michael and see him if be from the records I play (yes I will have at least one at that time), from the videos I will play either on the internet, on blue ray or maybe even the DVD player if that doesnt go the way of the 8-track LOL.

Michael you will be missed more that I or many of your other fans can ever express in words. So where ever you are, if you can read our hearts to know how we truely feel.... we love you! Rest in Peace Michael. Hopefully you will experience the peace that you deserved on your short stay with us on earth.

Selfish and Karma- Are they connected??

God is good to me....how can I let him down?? Hvae you ever heard this gospel song?

The song is nice but my humaness makes that last statment almost seem like a lie. The fact of the matter is I do bad things from time to time. Not bad in that I am criminally liable to stand in front of a judge and await sentencing but just your everyday bad stuff; the kind of thing that keeps me out of jail but might make me subject to another (imperfect) humans judgment.

I blogged a few weeks back about not caring what other people think and it remains a struggle for me still to this day. But I know its a process that will take time. Some days are easier then others, yet other days I find myself falling back into familiar habits of trying to anticipate someone elses moves or thoughts based on their moods, actions or facial expressions. Its impossible because I dont know whats going on in someones mind and unless I suddenly develop some special ESP mind reading capabilities it wont happen anytime soon. People are people-selfish, imperfect, caught up in their own heads and their own worlds oblivious to everyone else.

I find that I consider other poeples feelings and how my actions impact them alot more than the courtesy is extended back to me. It hurts my feelings because I just want someone to "care" about how thier actions impact another (me?). But is that expectation in itself selfish? Unfortunatly, I dont live in a world where other people care about me or anyone else that is not in their close circle. Instead they will freely do to others what they couldnt dare stand someone doing to them or worse their spouse, significant other or children. If the reverse were true they would go ape shit on someone. Yet there they are doing it to someone else without as much as a second thought. For example my obnoxious asst manager. He is disrespectful, rude, crass, and obnoxious yet I'm willing to put down money if anyone handled his wife that way at her place of work he would be taking time off to go whoop some ass. Yet he feels no ways to do it to us at work. Funny how that works huh?

Or the guy in the truck who dangerously cuts you off on the road. Had that same scenario been played out with his wife, gf, bf, sibling, or child behind the wheel he would be on a personal mision to hunt the guy down and run him over. See what I mean?

WE as humans dont care, yet belly ache and get damn angry if the bad things we do to other people comes back onto those we love the most! Karma....it never hits you where it will hurt the least. It always hits you where it hurts the most! And if the most means it is played out on your bf, gf, child, or family then thats what is going to happen.

In Jamaica there is a saying that goes:

"its not the same day leaf touch the wata it rotten. It takes several days"

Translation, its not the same day that a leaf falls onto the water does it fully rot. It takes many days before the process starts. Meaning karma is not always instantaneous...it happens slow but when it does its profound and cannot be denied for what it is.

I found out yesterday that someone I knew, full of life died July 1st. He was only 29 and it got me thinking even more about how precious life is and how we all only have but a short time here. SO many deaths, a pastor getting caught up in a shocking revelation that to this day many cant believe now this. Its sad. I decided today when I woke up that my life is too precious to be caught up worrying about things, people, their decisions. My life, my health, and existance is not to get caught up in these fine points with people whom many didnt even exist in my world till recently. Its a waste.

So I close by saying this:

Life is a celebration.

I've been giving my personal power to too many people who dont deserve it. I've given too many poeple a slice of importance that they have not earned or should have been cut back on a long time ago. The list carries quite a few names and emotionally I need to cut the stings and set them free down the river so they can experience their 7 days.

Peace and love everyone!

hugs and kisses

;)

Happy 4th of July my american friends!

I know this is a few days late. I apologize for that. I was running around alot on staurday so posting or even coming on the internet was next to impossible.

I Hope you all enjoyed your day!

Bad day!

What a bad day I had. I came home and played SIMS for 2 hours because I just wanted to get my mind off it and onto something else. I havent forgotten about blogging, I'm just not ready to talk about it. I think I'm gonna go to bed.

ttyl later

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I almost forgot!

Yes I am C-A-N-A-D-I-A-N!!! EH!!!!

Yes I am damn PROUD of it! (And what??)

Yes, I'd rather live here than in the USA (yes I said that too and guess what, millions of other Canadians feel the EXACT same way!! Go Canada!!)

So to make it up to this country that has made me so proud and FREEI say.....

OH Canada! Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!

Love always a Proud and patriotic Canadian!

<---Nope this is not me! LOL I'm proud! Not looking for pnemonia!

I'm so glad that I wasnt born anywhere else but here. I love this country and its faults but even though the politicians piss me off, have hidden agendas and are passive aggressive children in suits at cityhall, there are strikes happening everywhere and crime is rising----I love this country and there is no other place that I'd rather be!

GO CANADA!!!

Love you all,

Signed,

Proud Canadian!

Accounting...AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Ok so I am studying acccounting and ooooooohh myyyyyy gossssssshhhhh this is detailed and complicated. I had to take a break at the topic of how financial statements are related because the terms depreciation, captiallization, fixed assets, income statemnts, cash flow statements and how expensing items affects all of the above was making me feel like I was about to lose my mind!!

*breathe*

I'm just realy trying to figure this all out LOL. Understand, get the terms right and hopefully know what I am talking about when it comes to accounts recievables, payables and where they all factor in on income statements, cash flow statements and balance sheets!!

Next is the part 1 quiz in the book! Then onwards and forwards to debits and credits!!!

*sigh*

Wish me luck!